The Death Of Rasputin

Like I mentioned in the Video, which you should go and watch, like now. Go on, I'll wait...Good. Now as I mentioned in the video, I'm going to start explaining a bit more about the topic in these blog posts. Think of it as the cherry on top of a mountain of chocolate Ice-cream, because really, if your going to have ice cream, why would you have vanilla. As such, this is just a little more information on the Death of Rasputin, and some of the things I left out either for time, or succinctness. Yeah, succinctness.

While I feel like this undermines the authority of my argument, google image search produces wonderful things

So today, isn't really going to be about the events surroudning the death of Rasputin. Today is more focus on the Tsarina's other man. Who is much more boring than that insane monk Rasputin, but at the same time much more interesting, because of his inablity to give two fucks about anything except wether or not he was still the Big Boss.

While most of the actions concerning Rasputin's assassination are because of his terrible demenor and general resented presence. There is one man who potentionally could have stopped Rasputin from dominating Russian politics, thereby stopping the repression he created on people and as such the need for his assassintion, then stopped Russia from going into full on revolution, hell he could have inenvertinly changed half of the twentieth century if only he grew a pair and stood up to his domieneering wife. Unfortunatley, Tsar Nicholas II was not a man of such bravedo.

Pictured: Nicholas' Bravedo

In the wrong hands ultimate power leads to complete and utter corruption, this is simply the way things work. You give a man the power to command people to do anything he wants, he is going to abuse that power. Luckily for Russia, the Tsar was such an incompetent and non-entitiy, that he never abused his power, he didn't even care about it. His dairy is full of things about the weather and about his family coming to vist. If a legion of angry, butt naked barbarians had arrived on his door step his only reaction would be that the clouds had formed a butterfly shape.

The Tsar's world was soley the Palace and its immediate surroundings. This allowed him to be lead easily. In his first ten years of "existance" he was tutored and dominated by Konstantin Pobedonoststev (Try and guess the reason I didn't include this guy in the video.) A priest of the Holy Synod, who was by all accounts a zealot who expected that the salvatoin of Russia would be acheived by shutting the nation off from all liveral Western ideas. This continued until Nicholas married, and then he was dominated by her and Rasputin, probably by the withdrawl of sex, although that is just speculation.


Until you build me another Palace by the seaside

In fact, the only time he ever kicked up a fuss was when Rasputin died. You see, everyone knew who killed Rasputin, Yussupoff didn't really cover his tracks. In fact he was in such a state after murdering the monk that he didn't even get the house cleaned, so that when the police came to kick down his door, the house was in the same state as when Rasputin had died. Over the course of the interagation, which, being done by Russians probably involved vodka, hammer, and some nails, Yussupoff gave them the names of the men who had helped him. The problem occured when it came to light that there were royals in the assassination party. Had Nicholas and his wife had there way, the culprits would be serving all eternity in a siberian mine. But the Romanoff clan had come together and decieded that nobody could be punished for the deed.

The Romanoff's had no idea that the Communist Revolution would be just around the corner. What they did know was that Rasputin's end would not be natural. He was certain to be killed by an assassin's knife. Or, as the case was, knife, gun, posion cake, and various things the assassin had around his home. They also knew that the Romanoff clan need to clean house, and was just glad that someone had the balls to do it, unlike a certain un-named Russain Tsar. As such, Yussupoff was free and treated something like a hero, for ridding the world of Rasputin, its not like it had major consequnces, right?....right??.......

Actually, he got off pretty alright

Driving Ms. Pierce

And here we are once again. Its another night where I have nothing to do. So I'm going to destroy your cherished memories of Saints Row by continuing the story of Charles, the Zombie mascot. Last time we finally finished the tutorial missions-ish. You see, this being an open world sand box game. Most of the missions introduce you to one game mechanic or such. But at least now, the world is open for us. Also, you remember that gun....

So what is this thing? I found it around Shaundi's Ex-boyfriend's crib. It seems to be *sniff* yep, this is fish guts. Well there is only one thing to do... and there some people now.

Fish guts, In Yo' Face!

And that's all it seems to do. Excellent, this is now my gun. I can have street cred with out actually hurting any.... HOLY SHIT!

Shark, In Yo' Arse

.... Why does this gun exist? How does this gun exist? I mean, its useful to a point, but what if I meet someone who has shark repellent? Whatever, I've gotta go meet Pierce and try to explain what the hell is going on. As always, I'm gonna need wheels. I need something sleek, something modern, something... they'll do.

It has a fully sick sub-woofer

Now some of you people might be wondering what happened to my monkey mask. Well for some weird reason, when you go in a car, not a bike, you lose your head gear. I have no idea why someone thought that was a good idea. But there you go.

Alright, I need to meet Pierce in the Park. Why I am meeting him in the Park as opposed to the HQ is a question best left for shut the fuck up

Meanwhile..... (at the Hall of Doom)

It's okay, I know what I'm doing

"Stillwater Space Station, this is Evochron One heading out for schedule mining run"

"Evochron One, you are cleared, have fun"

"Screw You Guys"

Back on Earth....

Alright, so let me get this straight Peirce. You called me down to the other side of town, to take your car for a tune up..... Fuck. You. Get in the car.

No. No. No. You can't cheer me up by playing "What I Got". No. No. DAMMIT! Early in the morning....

*Bah Bah Goo Goo Ga*

Nope. Sorry, not even my lack of speech can spoil this moment.

It really can't seriously, driving down the freeway listen to Pierce and Zombeh Charles (His Gangsta name), is eight different kinds of awesome.

*Sigh* excellent, now. Hand me a chainsaw, Why Pierce, because Fuck. you.

That's how you make a convertible

That's it for all today Kiddies. Why was that random cutaway there? What is up with Charles? These answer will probably never be answered at this rate. See Ya Next Time

I Fought The Law, On A Moped

Wow, I had really hoped to put one of these out sooner, but as YouTube is being annoying and not letting me sign in, I'll do one now. By the way, if you somehow found this without the link I put at the end of my YouTube videos, then go to ThePreacherWolf on YouTube to see my Let's Play Videos, it's...better than... It's a thing, go do it. But on to the reason I do this. Story Time, Children. When we last left our man Charles, the Zombie-Mascot-Who-Is-Inexplicably-Leader-Of-A-Gang, he was on a Moped trying to get into the National Guard Armoury. Today, we see the aftermath, before math, and General Maths.

YEA-HAW! Damn I forgot how fun these things were to ride. Oh Damn, its the fuzz. Well, given that over the last half hour I've killed more men than Genghis Khan, flown threw the air in a magic cargo plan that spawns infinite cars, dived through said cargo plane without a parachute and murdered everyone inside then jumped out while grabbing a parachute on the way through, and received a large purple dong that is also a baseball bat. I'm pretty sure a few more murders on the side won't matter.

"*GUUUURRRRRGGGGGLLLLLEEEEE*"

Okay, so gurgling is not the most manly, nor impressive battle cry, but it's a battle cry dammit. It's better than Shaundi's bitching.

Seriously, for a hardcore gang member, Shaundi can get really bitchy at times

Oh, whoa. What the hell, they were storing nukes in here?!

I call it Bertha

I...I...I want it. I don't know why, but seriously, the amount of shit I've committed today with blatant disregard for all logic, laws and scientific principal, stealing something this big couldn't be that hard. Alright, so you hold them off while.... wait, we have a fleet of helicopters, then why the hell did I have to steal the Moped, I mean don't get me wrong, I love Moped's. They are the pinnacle of cool. But rolling around with a fleet of helicopters is awesome. Okay, so how long till they get here, 10 minutes... /sigh.

Alright, I need to hide somewhere, perhaps behind something until they choppers arrive. Oh, that will do.

Trust me, Shield bashing people is awesome

Okay, things are getting a little hectic now. I mean there seems to be a bad guy spawning truck there, what? No, Shaundi, 15 guys have come out of that 6 seater Jeep. Seriously, you didn't notice that. Huh. That's interesting. But right now kinda pointless, because...HOLY SHIT GRENADE! Alright, where the hell are the chopp...

Hold It, Did Shaundi just talk to me?

Oh, its Peirce. Whose Peirce, and why is he only showing up now? Who the hell cares just let me drive the chopper. No, I have to defend the chopper some more. Fine. Oh, there are tanks. Great, I HAVE A PISTOL AND A DONG BAT! How am I taking out a tank. With a what? UAV Drone? You realise that UAV Drone sounds stupid right?

UAV In YO' FACE

Excellent, the chopper is loaded with the Nuke. How? Don't Care. JUST LET ME FLY THE CHOPPER!

How 'Bout No

This is actually one of my few gripes about the game, there are far too many turret sections of in this game. There are times when I want to, drive, fly, hell even run to a place, but they but me into a pointless and arbitrary turret section.

Excellent. We have the nuke stored in the loft's underground storage. Yes it will be safe there, quit bitching Shaundi.

*Buuuuuuuuurrrrrrrppppp*

/sigh. Every damn time I want to talk to someone. Bah the injustice of it all. Now back to the guns...

I have no idea what I'm doing, really

Now that we have finally settled down I can finally get to the bottom of... Oh...Oh...Oh. My. God

Come to daddy

And that's it for today. I'm out of images, and stock photos. So you'll find out all about what going on, what that gun is, and why exactly Charles is a zombie and wearing a monkey suit. Even though none of you care.

This....I have No idea what this is, But I love it

Alright boys and girls time for another story, today we might actually finish the tutorial of the game, no seriously, there are like 8 different mission that comprise tutorial. So let's see what happens when you let a monkey behind the wheel.

Okay so Loren is messed up and we landed in the slum part of town... wait, this is the entire town. Great, this town sucks. Shaundi tells me that its like Bangkok's abusive father, I know all about that, there's a reason I'm in the monkey suit. But, okay I can roll with this, all I need to do is steal a car, that should be easy enough, I'll just open the door and... oh who the hell am I kidding, there is no such thing as reality any more, that went out the window with the infinte car spawning airplane. THREW THE WINDSCREEN!!!!

Them Duke boy's were really pissed

Yeah not to sure how that's possible either Shaundi, but it was awesome, why are you still talking and not taking in my skills. Wait, we need guns, oh I see, we need ammo, not guns. I've got 205 bullets on me somehow. Yeah we're going to need more. We'll just pop down to the corner store and.... no we're not going to

"Fuuurrrrrk"

No, this is the opposite of what we need to do


We just got our arses handed to us by a huge criminal organisation and now you want to piss of the military. Great. Fine we going to need guns, lots of guns (heh heh). Alright Amu-nation Friendly Fire is right around the corner, all I need to do is park it and Oh look a French Cafe... OH SHIT!!!

This is what happens to every car I own

Its okay, we're alive and here. Now let's see, pistol ammo, upgrades, dildo bat, taser, wait dildo bat.... whatever I'll roll with it, I'll just get the baseball bat. Now to the guard... Oh my fuck its a rabbit...

This is happened in game, this is why this is awesome

Please help, get a messege back to the union I need to

*Fart Noises*

Not that, and he's running away. Fine let's go shoot some military guys. But first I need some wheels, something imposing. I am going up against the military for god sakes. Something that looks bad ass, yes.... yes.... that'll do.... that'll do nicely...

Scooters are badass, its a fact

And that's all for today kiddes, see you next time, and Merry Cbristmas

It's Raining men...and cars

Here we are once again. Time to step into the shoes of Charles, the Zombie Monkey. Last time after a series of unfortunate events Charles was flying through the air in an effort to catch Shaundi who forgot to pack a parachute. Today, well it gets worst.

Crap, Crap, Crap. Okay Breathe. Breathe in, hold and JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, there are guys falling and shooting at me. Why? How? Not important right now, what is important is to survive. Damn how many people is that I've killed in the last three minutes. The guys on the plane, plus the 12 on the way down, wow, I've killed more people today than zombies in a John Romero movie.

Oh thank God its Shaundi. Why the hell did you leave your parachute

"*Burps*"

Really classy Charles...wait what's that plane doing. Aha Crap.

That plane is going to ram us

How did I get myself in this position. Whatever, as the laws of physics don't seem to apply, I think I can fly through the window shoot everything in there and then come out the other side completely unharmed and with another parachute despite the fact my only training is combat is one day at the local army base where they kicked me out for refusal to shave my glorious beard. Sigh well as a great man once said, "A real man does not think of victory or defeat. He plunges recklessly towards an irrational death". So screw it all we're doing this. But first, I need to find a place for Shaundi.... who am I kidding, I'll just drop her here and here we go

Alright through the window



And now kill everything in sight

 At out the other side with out a scratch. I have no idea what rules are in play here, but I don't care. Right, now all I need to do is catch Shaundi again. Now that the plan is out of commission... There are more guys, Great.

This doesn't seem physically possible

...

I...I...fucked it all. Come here bastards taste lead death, and one full clip later, there all still alive. Damn my army training they taught me how to parade not how to kill. Why would they teach me that. Oh look a car, if I'm right. Yep it explodes and now there all dead. Awesome, all I have to do is grab Shaundi and... Son Of A Bitch.



You are not having a good day

How is this plan holding this much stuff, or this many men for Christ sake. And where the hell is Shaundi, oh right there.

Okay I'm A Dick, I understand but DID YOU SEE ME! I'm A Complete BAD ASS!

Now to land...

MEANWHILE.....

I hate monkey's

And that's it for today children. What is Loren up to? How will out Hero fair? Will I ever finish the first mission? Find out next time for all these answers and more you don't care about.

I'm a freefalling monkey, Deal With It

Dear god here we are again, time for another story. After I wiped my computer I lost all my pictures, so I've had to re capture all the pictures, but we shall persevere. Today, falling monkey's and unlimited cargo hold planes....yeah I'm not going to lie, its a weird one.

Well I'm on a plane, in a monkey suit, and I can't say a damn thing. I guess the only thing to do is drop kick a fool.

Or DDT into the ground, whatever works

Alright, I took that one down now for the other five ... oh the girl killed them all already, Shaundi was it. Well, alright then, lead the way. Wait, why is come fly with me playing... that Gat guy is insane and OH SWEET JEUSES THEY ALL HAVE GUNS, quickly hide behind someone!

First rule of combat: Take Hostages, Second Rule: Execute the hostages

Oh god, there's so many of them. Why are none of ladies wearing pants, I should mention that to them

*Fart Noises*

Really, did I just fart out my mouth. (Yes I did, it was in-game and it was awesome) Oh god what is happening...wait what is happening. Did Gat just open the rear door, why is Shaundi handing me a parachute. Crap.

There is no way I'm doing this without soiling the suit

Annnnnnnd now Gat's dead. Killed by at least 20 men by the sounds of it. That's it we're fucked now and OH SHIT CAR!!!!

Crap, it clipped me, thank god for the parachute. Wait where's Shaundi, oh.

I'm like a bird..... that's lost its wings

Its okay, its okay, just breathe, breathe and HOLY SHIT GUYS!!!!



Why is everything on fire!

 Well, for the greater good and all that...

And that's it for today children. Will the monkey survive? Will I actually be able to remember to write another one of these? Does anybody actually read any of this shit? The answer's: Of course, probably not and Heeeeeellllll No. See You Next Time 

Zombie Gangsta's

Once again I'm bored and it's the end of semester, and as always I've lost the previous adventure's images. So, I'll start again, as Charles, the Zombie Gangsta....

Oh I'm in a monkey suit

As always I'm writing this from the character's point of view as a zombie gangsta. Just to point out, when you play this game USE THE ZOMBIE VOICE driving along while one person has a serious conversation and all that comes out your mouth is a serious of fart noises and grunts is the meaning of hilarious. We pick up the action right after a great bank robbery...

Well that worked well, I'm walking around minding my own business and all of a sudden, boom, bang baby I get whacked by a giant, falling vault and then suddenly I'm in jail and have a hankering for squishy brains. Wait, who the fuck are these guys?

and why are they not wearing pants?

"Grr...Rarr?...*furp*" What the fuck is up with my voice? Why can't I speak? Okay, I can deal with this. I'll just calmly explain that I'm innocent and was...was what happened to me? All I remember is being hit by that vault. But its not like that hurt or anything, I barley felt anything at all, in fact I can't feel anything...that can't be good.

Oh great we're going on a plan, why is everyone speaking french and, oh great now we're fucked.

Bow before my scarf

"Grr...Grrr....*farts*" okay, I need to stop talking, its not helping. So that dude in the chair is apparently Belgian and is called Phillipe Loren, so apart from not realising he is speaking French, is the leader of the Syndicate. Wait that sounds like a gang, why is this guy telling me I'm leader of the Saints. I'm sure as hell not, oh its the monkey suit isn't it, the Boss wears a monkey suit right. Okay look,

"Fuuu...gucccc..rrrr"

That was not what I meant to, no really there is something wrong with my voice, no don't do that...

Well that's got to sting

Okay we're running now and WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!!!!!

The last we ever see of Johnny Gat,

Okay, now we really are screw. We're on a plan full of people who want us dead, and your friend... Johnny is it.... well Johnny just went Rambo on 12 of them. We're doomed what we need now is...

"BRAINS!!!!!!"

Okay that time I actully meant to say that

It's tough being a monkey sometimes

That's it for today, next time, things really get insane.