The Wolves Den

The Death Of Rasputin

2012-02-22T11:55:00.000+11:00

Like I mentioned in the Video, which you should go and watch, like now. Go on, I'll wait...Good. Now as I mentioned in the video, I'm going to start explaining a bit more about the topic in these blog posts. Think of it as the cherry on top of a mountain of chocolate Ice-cream, because really, if your going to have ice cream, why would you have vanilla. As such, this is just a little more information on the Death of Rasputin, and some of the things I left out either for time, or succinctness. Yeah, succinctness.

While I feel like this undermines the authority of my argument, google image search produces wonderful things

So today, isn't really going to be about the events surroudning the death of Rasputin. Today is more focus on the Tsarina's other man. Who is much more boring than that insane monk Rasputin, but at the same time much more interesting, because of his inablity to give two fucks about anything except wether or not he was still the Big Boss.

While most of the actions concerning Rasputin's assassination are because of his terrible demenor and general resented presence. There is one man who potentionally could have stopped Rasputin from dominating Russian politics, thereby stopping the repression he created on people and as such the need for his assassintion, then stopped Russia from going into full on revolution, hell he could have inenvertinly changed half of the twentieth century if only he grew a pair and stood up to his domieneering wife. Unfortunatley, Tsar Nicholas II was not a man of such bravedo.

Pictured: Nicholas' Bravedo

In the wrong hands ultimate power leads to complete and utter corruption, this is simply the way things work. You give a man the power to command people to do anything he wants, he is going to abuse that power. Luckily for Russia, the Tsar was such an incompetent and non-entitiy, that he never abused his power, he didn't even care about it. His dairy is full of things about the weather and about his family coming to vist. If a legion of angry, butt naked barbarians had arrived on his door step his only reaction would be that the clouds had formed a butterfly shape.

The Tsar's world was soley the Palace and its immediate surroundings. This allowed him to be lead easily. In his first ten years of "existance" he was tutored and dominated by Konstantin Pobedonoststev (Try and guess the reason I didn't include this guy in the video.) A priest of the Holy Synod, who was by all accounts a zealot who expected that the salvatoin of Russia would be acheived by shutting the nation off from all liveral Western ideas. This continued until Nicholas married, and then he was dominated by her and Rasputin, probably by the withdrawl of sex, although that is just speculation.

Until you build me another Palace by the seaside

In fact, the only time he ever kicked up a fuss was when Rasputin died. You see, everyone knew who killed Rasputin, Yussupoff didn't really cover his tracks. In fact he was in such a state after murdering the monk that he didn't even get the house cleaned, so that when the police came to kick down his door, the house was in the same state as when Rasputin had died. Over the course of the interagation, which, being done by Russians probably involved vodka, hammer, and some nails, Yussupoff gave them the names of the men who had helped him. The problem occured when it came to light that there were royals in the assassination party. Had Nicholas and his wife had there way, the culprits would be serving all eternity in a siberian mine. But the Romanoff clan had come together and decieded that nobody could be punished for the deed.

The Romanoff's had no idea that the Communist Revolution would be just around the corner. What they did know was that Rasputin's end would not be natural. He was certain to be killed by an assassin's knife. Or, as the case was, knife, gun, posion cake, and various things the assassin had around his home. They also knew that the Romanoff clan need to clean house, and was just glad that someone had the balls to do it, unlike a certain un-named Russain Tsar. As such, Yussupoff was free and treated something like a hero, for ridding the world of Rasputin, its not like it had major consequnces, right?....right??.......

Actually, he got off pretty alright

Driving Ms. Pierce

2012-02-06T22:09:00.003+11:00

And here we are once again. Its another night where I have nothing to do. So I'm going to destroy your cherished memories of Saints Row by continuing the story of Charles, the Zombie mascot. Last time we finally finished the tutorial missions-ish. You see, this being an open world sand box game. Most of the missions introduce you to one game mechanic or such. But at least now, the world is open for us. Also, you remember that gun....

So what is this thing? I found it around Shaundi's Ex-boyfriend's crib. It seems to be *sniff* yep, this is fish guts. Well there is only one thing to do... and there some people now.

Fish guts, In Yo' Face!

And that's all it seems to do. Excellent, this is now my gun. I can have street cred with out actually hurting any.... HOLY SHIT!

Shark, In Yo' Arse

.... Why does this gun exist? How does this gun exist? I mean, its useful to a point, but what if I meet someone who has shark repellent? Whatever, I've gotta go meet Pierce and try to explain what the hell is going on. As always, I'm gonna need wheels. I need something sleek, something modern, something... they'll do.

It has a fully sick sub-woofer

Now some of you people might be wondering what happened to my monkey mask. Well for some weird reason, when you go in a car, not a bike, you lose your head gear. I have no idea why someone thought that was a good idea. But there you go.

Alright, I need to meet Pierce in the Park. Why I am meeting him in the Park as opposed to the HQ is a question best left for shut the fuck up

Meanwhile..... (at the Hall of Doom)

It's okay, I know what I'm doing

"Stillwater Space Station, this is Evochron One heading out for schedule mining run"

"Evochron One, you are cleared, have fun"

"Screw You Guys"

Back on Earth....

Alright, so let me get this straight Peirce. You called me down to the other side of town, to take your car for a tune up..... Fuck. You. Get in the car.

No. No. No. You can't cheer me up by playing "What I Got". No. No. DAMMIT! Early in the morning....

*Bah Bah Goo Goo Ga*

Nope. Sorry, not even my lack of speech can spoil this moment.

It really can't seriously, driving down the freeway listen to Pierce and Zombeh Charles (His Gangsta name), is eight different kinds of awesome.

*Sigh* excellent, now. Hand me a chainsaw, Why Pierce, because Fuck. you.

That's how you make a convertible

That's it for all today Kiddies. Why was that random cutaway there? What is up with Charles? These answer will probably never be answered at this rate. See Ya Next Time

I Fought The Law, On A Moped

2012-01-23T23:04:00.000+11:00

Wow, I had really hoped to put one of these out sooner, but as YouTube is being annoying and not letting me sign in, I'll do one now. By the way, if you somehow found this without the link I put at the end of my YouTube videos, then go to ThePreacherWolf on YouTube to see my Let's Play Videos, it's...better than... It's a thing, go do it. But on to the reason I do this. Story Time, Children. When we last left our man Charles, the Zombie-Mascot-Who-Is-Inexplicably-Leader-Of-A-Gang, he was on a Moped trying to get into the National Guard Armoury. Today, we see the aftermath, before math, and General Maths.

YEA-HAW! Damn I forgot how fun these things were to ride. Oh Damn, its the fuzz. Well, given that over the last half hour I've killed more men than Genghis Khan, flown threw the air in a magic cargo plan that spawns infinite cars, dived through said cargo plane without a parachute and murdered everyone inside then jumped out while grabbing a parachute on the way through, and received a large purple dong that is also a baseball bat. I'm pretty sure a few more murders on the side won't matter.

"*GUUUURRRRRGGGGGLLLLLEEEEE*"

Okay, so gurgling is not the most manly, nor impressive battle cry, but it's a battle cry dammit. It's better than Shaundi's bitching.

Seriously, for a hardcore gang member, Shaundi can get really bitchy at times

Oh, whoa. What the hell, they were storing nukes in here?!

I call it Bertha

I...I...I want it. I don't know why, but seriously, the amount of shit I've committed today with blatant disregard for all logic, laws and scientific principal, stealing something this big couldn't be that hard. Alright, so you hold them off while.... wait, we have a fleet of helicopters, then why the hell did I have to steal the Moped, I mean don't get me wrong, I love Moped's. They are the pinnacle of cool. But rolling around with a fleet of helicopters is awesome. Okay, so how long till they get here, 10 minutes... /sigh.

Alright, I need to hide somewhere, perhaps behind something until they choppers arrive. Oh, that will do.

Trust me, Shield bashing people is awesome

Okay, things are getting a little hectic now. I mean there seems to be a bad guy spawning truck there, what? No, Shaundi, 15 guys have come out of that 6 seater Jeep. Seriously, you didn't notice that. Huh. That's interesting. But right now kinda pointless, because...HOLY SHIT GRENADE! Alright, where the hell are the chopp...

Hold It, Did Shaundi just talk to me?

Oh, its Peirce. Whose Peirce, and why is he only showing up now? Who the hell cares just let me drive the chopper. No, I have to defend the chopper some more. Fine. Oh, there are tanks. Great, I HAVE A PISTOL AND A DONG BAT! How am I taking out a tank. With a what? UAV Drone? You realise that UAV Drone sounds stupid right?

UAV In YO' FACE

Excellent, the chopper is loaded with the Nuke. How? Don't Care. JUST LET ME FLY THE CHOPPER!

How 'Bout No

This is actually one of my few gripes about the game, there are far too many turret sections of in this game. There are times when I want to, drive, fly, hell even run to a place, but they but me into a pointless and arbitrary turret section.

Excellent. We have the nuke stored in the loft's underground storage. Yes it will be safe there, quit bitching Shaundi.

*Buuuuuuuuurrrrrrrppppp*

/sigh. Every damn time I want to talk to someone. Bah the injustice of it all. Now back to the guns...

I have no idea what I'm doing, really

Now that we have finally settled down I can finally get to the bottom of... Oh...Oh...Oh. My. God

Come to daddy

And that's it for today. I'm out of images, and stock photos. So you'll find out all about what going on, what that gun is, and why exactly Charles is a zombie and wearing a monkey suit. Even though none of you care.

This....I have No idea what this is, But I love it

2011-12-23T20:42:00.000+11:00

Alright boys and girls time for another story, today we might actually finish the tutorial of the game, no seriously, there are like 8 different mission that comprise tutorial. So let's see what happens when you let a monkey behind the wheel.

Okay so Loren is messed up and we landed in the slum part of town... wait, this is the entire town. Great, this town sucks. Shaundi tells me that its like Bangkok's abusive father, I know all about that, there's a reason I'm in the monkey suit. But, okay I can roll with this, all I need to do is steal a car, that should be easy enough, I'll just open the door and... oh who the hell am I kidding, there is no such thing as reality any more, that went out the window with the infinte car spawning airplane. THREW THE WINDSCREEN!!!!

Them Duke boy's were really pissed

Yeah not to sure how that's possible either Shaundi, but it was awesome, why are you still talking and not taking in my skills. Wait, we need guns, oh I see, we need ammo, not guns. I've got 205 bullets on me somehow. Yeah we're going to need more. We'll just pop down to the corner store and.... no we're not going to

"Fuuurrrrrk"

No, this is the opposite of what we need to do

We just got our arses handed to us by a huge criminal organisation and now you want to piss of the military. Great. Fine we going to need guns, lots of guns (heh heh). Alright ~~Amu-nation~~ Friendly Fire is right around the corner, all I need to do is park it and Oh look a French Cafe... OH SHIT!!!

This is what happens to every car I own

Its okay, we're alive and here. Now let's see, pistol ammo, upgrades, dildo bat, taser, wait dildo bat.... whatever I'll roll with it, I'll just get the baseball bat. Now to the guard... Oh my fuck its a rabbit...

This is happened in game, this is why this is awesome

Please help, get a messege back to the union I need to

*Fart Noises*

Not that, and he's running away. Fine let's go shoot some military guys. But first I need some wheels, something imposing. I am going up against the military for god sakes. Something that looks bad ass, yes.... yes.... that'll do.... that'll do nicely...

Scooters are badass, its a fact

And that's all for today kiddes, see you next time, and Merry Cbristmas

It's Raining men...and cars

2011-12-08T17:23:00.001+11:00

Here we are once again. Time to step into the shoes of Charles, the Zombie Monkey. Last time after a series of unfortunate events Charles was flying through the air in an effort to catch Shaundi who forgot to pack a parachute. Today, well it gets worst.

Crap, Crap, Crap. Okay Breathe. Breathe in, hold and JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, there are guys falling and shooting at me. Why? How? Not important right now, what is important is to survive. Damn how many people is that I've killed in the last three minutes. The guys on the plane, plus the 12 on the way down, wow, I've killed more people today than zombies in a John Romero movie.

Oh thank God its Shaundi. Why the hell did you leave your parachute

"*Burps*"

Really classy Charles...wait what's that plane doing. Aha Crap.

That plane is going to ram us

How did I get myself in this position. Whatever, as the laws of physics don't seem to apply, I think I can fly through the window shoot everything in there and then come out the other side completely unharmed and with another parachute despite the fact my only training is combat is one day at the local army base where they kicked me out for refusal to shave my glorious beard. Sigh well as a great man once said, "A real man does not think of victory or defeat. He plunges recklessly towards an irrational death". So screw it all we're doing this. But first, I need to find a place for Shaundi.... who am I kidding, I'll just drop her here and here we go

Alright through the window

And now kill everything in sight

At out the other side with out a scratch. I have no idea what rules are in play here, but I don't care. Right, now all I need to do is catch Shaundi again. Now that the plan is out of commission... There are more guys, Great.

This doesn't seem physically possible

...

I...I...fucked it all. Come here bastards taste lead death, and one full clip later, there all still alive. Damn my army training they taught me how to parade not how to kill. Why would they teach me that. Oh look a car, if I'm right. Yep it explodes and now there all dead. Awesome, all I have to do is grab Shaundi and... Son Of A Bitch.

You are not having a good day

How is this plan holding this much stuff, or this many men for Christ sake. And where the hell is Shaundi, oh right there.

Okay I'm A Dick, I understand but DID YOU SEE ME! I'm A Complete BAD ASS!

Now to land...

MEANWHILE.....

I hate monkey's

And that's it for today children. What is Loren up to? How will out Hero fair? Will I ever finish the first mission? Find out next time for all these answers and more you don't care about.

I'm a freefalling monkey, Deal With It

2011-12-03T21:55:00.001+11:00

Dear god here we are again, time for another story. After I wiped my computer I lost all my pictures, so I've had to re capture all the pictures, but we shall persevere. Today, falling monkey's and unlimited cargo hold planes....yeah I'm not going to lie, its a weird one.

Well I'm on a plane, in a monkey suit, and I can't say a damn thing. I guess the only thing to do is drop kick a fool.

Or DDT into the ground, whatever works

Alright, I took that one down now for the other five ... oh the girl killed them all already, Shaundi was it. Well, alright then, lead the way. Wait, why is come fly with me playing... that Gat guy is insane and OH SWEET JEUSES THEY ALL HAVE GUNS, quickly hide behind someone!

First rule of combat: Take Hostages, Second Rule: Execute the hostages

Oh god, there's so many of them. Why are none of ladies wearing pants, I should mention that to them

*Fart Noises*

Really, did I just fart out my mouth. (Yes I did, it was in-game and it was awesome) Oh god what is happening...wait what is happening. Did Gat just open the rear door, why is Shaundi handing me a parachute. Crap.

There is no way I'm doing this without soiling the suit

Annnnnnnd now Gat's dead. Killed by at least 20 men by the sounds of it. That's it we're fucked now and OH SHIT CAR!!!!

Crap, it clipped me, thank god for the parachute. Wait where's Shaundi, oh.

I'm like a bird..... that's lost its wings

Its okay, its okay, just breathe, breathe and HOLY SHIT GUYS!!!!

Why is everything on fire!

Well, for the greater good and all that...

And that's it for today children. Will the monkey survive? Will I actually be able to remember to write another one of these? Does anybody actually read any of this shit? The answer's: Of course, probably not and Heeeeeellllll No. See You Next Time

Zombie Gangsta's

2011-11-22T12:51:00.001+11:00

Once again I'm bored and it's the end of semester, and as always I've lost the previous adventure's images. So, I'll start again, as Charles, the Zombie Gangsta....

Oh I'm in a monkey suit

As always I'm writing this from the character's point of view as a zombie gangsta. Just to point out, when you play this game USE THE ZOMBIE VOICE driving along while one person has a serious conversation and all that comes out your mouth is a serious of fart noises and grunts is the meaning of hilarious. We pick up the action right after a great bank robbery...

Well that worked well, I'm walking around minding my own business and all of a sudden, boom, bang baby I get whacked by a giant, falling vault and then suddenly I'm in jail and have a hankering for squishy brains. Wait, who the fuck are these guys?

and why are they not wearing pants?

"Grr...Rarr?...*furp*" What the fuck is up with my voice? Why can't I speak? Okay, I can deal with this. I'll just calmly explain that I'm innocent and was...was what happened to me? All I remember is being hit by that vault. But its not like that hurt or anything, I barley felt anything at all, in fact I can't feel anything...that can't be good.

Oh great we're going on a plan, why is everyone speaking french and, oh great now we're fucked.

Bow before my scarf

"Grr...Grrr....*farts*" okay, I need to stop talking, its not helping. So that dude in the chair is apparently Belgian and is called Phillipe Loren, so apart from not realising he is speaking French, is the leader of the Syndicate. Wait that sounds like a gang, why is this guy telling me I'm leader of the Saints. I'm sure as hell not, oh its the monkey suit isn't it, the Boss wears a monkey suit right. Okay look,

"Fuuu...gucccc..rrrr"

That was not what I meant to, no really there is something wrong with my voice, no don't do that...

Well that's got to sting

Okay we're running now and WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!!!!!

The last we ever see of Johnny Gat,

Okay, now we really are screw. We're on a plan full of people who want us dead, and your friend... Johnny is it.... well Johnny just went Rambo on 12 of them. We're doomed what we need now is...

"BRAINS!!!!!!"

Okay that time I actully meant to say that

It's tough being a monkey sometimes

That's it for today, next time, things really get insane.

The Swedes!!!!!

2011-08-23T11:45:00.000+10:00

Its been a while I know. But hey, you trying writing 10,000 words in a week. But I am back and time to damn you all again with another story children. Let's get this shit on... and Italics are for some arbitrary reason stuck on

Date: 2/4/6/8
Time: Half past the peak of the moon
Location: A bar, somewhere in Poland? or Maybe England? China?
Objective: Hear the Screams of My Enemies.

So it turns out the man is a local Polish legend and he wants to kill Poland's enemies. Having nothing better to do, and ignoring the King's letters, I decide to do just that and head to Cossack held territory. Once again my engineers tell me that we can blow into the walls with gunpowder. And surprise, surprise...

It....worked?

Oh, wow. Apparently my engineers are on a hot streak today. My men and I charge into the breach, my carbine blasts two soldiers into oblivion. I quick parry with my gun and headbutt the guy to the ground and let someone else have the honor of finishing the man off. I charge up the stairs of a watchtower and attempt to end the life of one of the snipers... *Click* damn it, of all the god damn times for a miss fire. Oh well, Plan B

Swing Batter Batter

The battle ends shortly after and I decide to rest up in the castle, and await the Kings decision to give me the castle...

.....

Damn you, fine take the damn castle, see If I care...

See, this is what happens we you don't give me a castle

Luckily just out side the castle, the king is in a little trouble. Turns out the Cossacks want there castle back and the King has decided to do something brave, must be some dissidents who are complaining. Better save his arse.

/sigh, how do I get myself into these positions

We charge down on horseback, Shenanigans carrying me ahead of the army, my Carbine starts blasting, and I miss completely, as I turn around to get a second pass, and the battle is over. The king has brought so much men, that they demolished the competition. Screw him.

This doesn't effect my standing in any way, no really

:D

So I leave the castle and search for another castle to siege. Wait, what the hell? The Swedes?!?!?!

The Hell?

That's it for now kiddos. Sorry bout the Italics thing, It won't turn off. Next time, we get into more sieges

Different King, Same Bitch

2011-08-06T22:52:00.000+10:00

Ah, the lamented screams of the terror. I can hear them already. That's right, Sole Reader, it time again to delve into the madness that is my mind and continue our adventure. Last time we learnt that I'm a crap engineer, and that there are actual aspirations to aspire to. Today, we fail at everything else. Let's get this shit started

Date: A Long, Long Time Ago, but in the future
Time: 12:42
Location: Twelve clicks east of nowhere special
Objective: Take a damn castle

Why did I ever join the Poles? They're just as bad as the bloody Russians. It all started when my damn engineers couldn't figure out how to blow up the most volatile thing create to date. Shooting didn't work, setting it on fire didn't work. Setting the engineer and then shoving him in it didn't work. So I broke the seige and left, heading towards friendly Poland do try and find another engineer. My previous one having meet some sort of work releated accident. Upon arriving, I meet the local lord and asked him what the best course of action. He told me, and I'm paraphrasing here, "Go fuck up the Swedes", so I did.

The meaning is there at least

We crossed the border into Sweden and layed seige to a castle. Luckily we timed the seige just right so the local lord and left and did not realise we were wrecking his shit. Luckily the engineer I picked up knew what the hell he was doing and blew a hole in the hole. We packed in. Being that I was leading this company, I bravley decided to wade in with my men, and then wait behind a corner.

Above: Bravey

The fighting is intense. Guns blazing, swords slashing, pantaloons soiled. And during the middle of this I pull off the best shot ever seen by man. It flies straight as an arrow, past two dozen cowaring peasents, through the hat of a soilder, ping's off the helmet of one of my men, and lands in the nether regions of a lifeguard.

Above: Skill

Despite this awesome display of skill, the battle raged on, and some how, I survived, my gun empty, and my sword bloody.

And the sword has clipped into me

We took the castle, and almost immediatly the Poles recognised that I am the only competant one in the entire kingdom, as such the king sends me a messege bail him out of his little war he's fighting.

Finally some recognition

There is a problem. The King demands me to come to Babice. Which, as seems to be the tradition of all rulers in this god forsaken land, is a several countries over. Why can't it ever be simple?

I'm pretty sure I've made my point

So I began the long strech to my leige. On the way I met many people.

Rebels

Sigh

Deserters

Grrrr

And as a grand finale my leige sends me this

Fuck You

I need a drink...wait, who the fuck are you?

And why should I care?

That's it guys, see you next time

Thinking Big...with explosives

2011-08-01T23:29:00.000+10:00

Ah I can hear your screams already. That's right, its story time children. Time once again to court madness and dance with stupidity as I write more stories. Be thankful I'm not writing an original story, It may end the world. Last time, we ended with us finally getting our own town, and it was underwhelming, however keep thinking optimistic thoughts. Anyway let's get this shit started...

Date: 11/11/11
Time: Half Past A Monkey's Arse
Location: Yartzy (Not the dice game you fools)
Objective: Get a new summer home

God Damn Engineers. This day started off well enough, I talked to the village elder, and he said that they had recently had some bandit troubles. Excellent time for a good ol' bandit smack down...except that the villagers killed all of them. Really, these are all the same villagers that I've run around saving, and then extorting. But when bandits come a calling they seem to level up. I quickly snapped back to attention because while I've been thinking murderous thoughts the elder has been talking. Apparently he wants be to get some cattle as the bandits scared them all away, because the villages whose main source of income is farming and cows, aren't qualified for it.

Really, your the farmer and your asking the murderer to get the cows for you

This is actually one of the most bullshit quests you'll find. It basically involves you running around to all the villages around this one and then stealing it, in the process ruining your reputation with the village and lord controlling it, then running the cattle back to your village. The entire process takes about twenty minutes per run, with you doing this up to 7 times.

Okay, time to expand my criminal portfolio to cattle rustling. After traveling to the Criminate kingdom, I rustled up several cattle herds and brought them back to Yartzy, I saw a castle in the distance. Now I'm not an ambitious man, but this village seems to have spark some greed in me. I want that castle. Hell, I want all the castles. Wow, this must be what it feels like to have success.

First, you get the castle, then you get the power, then you get the camels

But first I have to get more men. So I start doing the rounds on the local Polish villages.

Okay, this is another one of those annoying additions they changed from the original games, village recruitment. In the original Mount and Blade, you could go to any village and recruit locals. This means that no matter how badly your army gets screwed by cavalry, you have a source of recruits. In this game, you have to be a vassal. Which means until you become one, you stuck with mercenaries, whose weekly wages are in the 1000's of dollars. Its just plain bullshit. But it gets worst, every now and then you rock up to a village and this happens...

Every god damn time

So after fighting the bandits, I stand up to give an inspiring speech about how the only way to stand up to these bandits was to join me, and seek the glories and spoils of war. My efforts were rewarded with a bullet to the face.

tis' but a scratch

Just a quick follow on from the last one. This is another thing that happens randomly when trying to recruit villagers. You get ambushed. This is less annoying that it sounds as having a close quarters combat running through the streets of a town like Moscow is awesome. However we're in a crappy little village with cover and a single church. So I pretty much lose two arms, a leg, and Mr. Dingleberry (the left one)

Having survived the ambush, recruited men and then burnt down the god damn village for shooting me in the face. I head over to my soon to be summer home. I tell my men to load barrels with gunpowder and place them near the wall, my men then tell me to go fuck myself with my own rifle.

Or in other words, how exactly to we blow something up?

Okay that's it for today. Join me next time, as I proceed to break the game and destroy the last vestiges of your sanity. Or alternatively you could submit now and just go here http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePreacherwolf

The Poles...Again

2011-07-20T21:10:00.000+10:00

Good Evening Sole Reader, once again its that time to skirt madness as we descends into the depths of whatever bullshit I can come up with. Before we start on today's serving of bullshit, I've started another damned project, http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePreacherwolf, That's right video's. God Help us all. Anyway, let's get this shit started.

Date: 00110010 00110000 00101111 00110000 00110111 00101111 00110010 00110000 00110001 00110001
Time: Quarter Past One and a Half
Location: Just Past The Dog On The Tucker box
Objective: Avoid the Polish

God Bless The Polish. So today started of terribly as always. In camp, running from bandits, patrols, foragers and deserters in an attempt to find the damn Russian king to get the Polish off my back, when I meet what I assumed my worst nightmare personified.

The Goatee!, Oh the Goatee!

Thinking quickly I told him I was here to serve, all kings like to hear that. He gave me a quest to collect his savings from another fool lord and collect his taxes. This sounded like easy money, so rather than just cut and run, I decided to actually do the job. On returning, he was actually pleased, and rewarded me with a double barreled pistol. That's right, this new fandangled dutch pistol with two barrels, just for collecting money and taking a cut. Maybe the Poles weren't so bad after all. The King then sent me on a bounty hunt, after killing the man with my new pistol he rewarded me with a new set of armour.

Words cannot describe how bad ass I feel right now

Okay, I should point out that the lords in Mount and Blade don't actually give you pistols and armour, but I must say that if you have spare cash, go to a town and head to the weapon smith. The weapons there cost three arms, a liver and a kidney. But having double barreled pistol, or pure black armour is awesome.

At this point I realise that the Polish King treats his subjects a hell of a lot better than anyone else I've met, so I offer my services as a vassal. He promptly signs me up as his vassal and gives me my own town. Hell Yes.

I speed my way to my new town. Yartsy its called. Apparently they export dice or some such. As I pull into town, I prepare myself for wonder

The fuck....

That's All Sports fans. Tune in Next Time for even worst adventures, or if you want more shit, go check out my channel. http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePreacherwolf

Haven't We Been Here Before

2011-07-13T22:52:00.000+10:00

Ah Sole Reader, I've missed you. Not really, but my lawyer tells me that I have to stop making random death threats on the Internets. It's hurting my defence. So it has been over a month. But I've been moving. So no longer can you mock me, oh imaginary reader, for living in my parents basement. Oh No. I now live WITH my parent, who live in THEIR parents basement. So take that. Anyway, enough about my pointless stuff. Let's get out Story on.

Stardate: 4
Time: .5
Location: Somewhere in the Cossack lands
Objective: Stick to a consistent story for more than one week

Fuck Poland. Seriously, Screw the Polish. I started out today neck deep in booze and hookers, and have ended it in the middle of a pitched battle. After arriving in Presalav again, and finding out that the bloody king is away on, as the Stewart put it, "A quest to find the mad cash", I decided to leave the Cossacks, they were just screwing me around anyway. Instead I made may way north with the warriors, to the lovely town called Smolensk, I feel like I know this town, it feels familiar. I go inside the tavern, pull up an ale and toast Old Man Khmer and then instantly realise why this town was familiar.

The man's 112 years old. He is not young

This brawl leads to yet another problem, in that, in such a rush to leave Smolensk, I leave my gold purse behind. Meaning the warriors can't get paid, and promptly tell me to go huff a dong and abandon me. Sigh. Well at least things can't get worst.

Why do I say things

The fight with the bandits is intense. Its 10 Vs 1, and I'm the 1. These odds are worst than clay pots against a rampaging bull. But, Shenanigans protects me and my rifle aims true.

Just an aside, there was a major update to the game and rifles started to act like period rifles, the sounds are better, and you can actually see the bullets trailing and hitting things. Oh and grenade stacks have been increased and are now cheaper, so be prepared for so nade action

This isn't me firing my gun, this is my gun exploding in my hands

After slaying the bandits I flee to Moscow. The Russians are famous for there hospitality so I believed I was safe. However on the way to the local tavern so some well earned boozing and whoring I come across a man who gives me a very simple choice. My money, or my life. By this stage I have been abandoned by my friends, been screwed over by foreign dignitary, attack by no less than 4 different bandit groups, been chased out of a country and I'm pretty sure I have a rash down there that wasn't there yesterday. So I promptly tell this man that he can shove his offer up his arse and kneecap him.

Kneecapping is as old as time itself

I get to the tavern and am informed that there is mountains of gold to be had following this Tsar person. So after 14 vodkas, go in search off the man. At which I run afoul of Polish scout party. Seriously, Fuck Poland.

I mean it, screw those guys

That's it, I'm done for today kiddley winks. See you next time when we might actually get something productive done

Wolf's Warriors

2011-06-10T23:10:00.000+10:00

Hello Again, Sole Reader, another week, another bullshit story. Last time we were waiting in the pub for the King of the Cossacks to murder all the Khans in the area so we can talk to him. Today we find the fruits of our labour, and we meet the first recruits into what I'm calling Wolf's Warriors. Hey, a merc company needs brand recognition. Let's go.

Date: 2/42/2/Hut
Time: Midnight
Location: Border of Poland and Russia
Objective: Get Booze, Men, Booze, in that order

War Journal Entry #3

By all the Gods, how the hell did I get myself into a worst mess than Poland. I remember the days when having a triple murder was considered a quaint problem. Sigh. It all started when I tried talking to the Cossack King after the siege, apparently all my work was for naught. He promptly tells me to fuck off he's busy murdering people. Great, well that plan totally worked. What I really need is a name for myself. I head to the Tavern to brood on it, during my drunken brood I come upon the idea to hire men. I leap upon the table and shout "Who wishes to follow me to glory and prosperity!" Now normally when this happens I get thrown out of the but this time 6 people said "Hell Yeah", a executioner, a Muslim knight, a polish knight, a women who cracks skulls, a cavalry commander and the son of Lord Dracula.... wait what?

No really, this guy's dad was Dracula

I offer a toast to our new found partnership, "For Old Man Khmer" Wait, what is everyone getting angry about? Oh right the old man thing.

Really Need to remember that

So we flee the town again, after yet another triple murder rap on my head. We decide to get some renown by attacking the enemies of the Cossacks, which actually to my surprise goes off without a hitch. Word then comes through that the Cossack king is besieging a Khan castle, My warriors and I respond and help the king, hoping to gain a little renown on the side. However, this goes less successfully as the King is an idiot and decides to launch a night attack during fog.

Can you see the castle?

There are few things more scary than assaulting a castle you can't see, against an enemy who shoots back. The Castle finally came into view and then the truly terrifying part of any siege, the ladders. As we climbed it started to rain, except this was warm, red rain. Then there was an explosion.

So here's an interesting fact, going up the ladder one of my warriors, he knows who he is, threw a grenade with such precision that it killed everyone on the ladder, including himself. I would have loved to have shown a screenshot of it, but I was to busy shitting my pants at the fact that I'm now on fire and everyone has died.

As I climbed over the dead bodies, I managed to get to a tower and brutally murder all inside to get a vantage point and snipe some Khans.

All we need now is a man on the grassy knoll

Twenty minutes later all is silent, partly due to another explosion killing the rest of the resistance and my own men, but I digress we captured the castle. Our reward: Nothing. Sigh, forget this we're leaving, everybody to the pub.

And so ends another adventure kiddies. Next week we might actually become a god damn lord. Or at least get more warriors to our cause.

How to Brown Nose, By J.P Kissarse

2011-06-03T22:33:00.000+10:00

Ah Sole Reader, Its time again, time to destroy all credibility of a game and reduce the credibility of both the medium of video games and writing. Today we continue the adventures of the cowardly commander, Wolf. When we last left our besotted adventure, he was in Pereyaslav heading to a tavern and hopefully vodka after fleeing Poland because of a minor incident involving a triple homicide. Today, we become the lackey for a king, but its all going worth it in the end... right?.... RIGHT?!?!?!

Date: 7775-449/10012-Acorn
Time: Too Damn Early
Location: Pereyaslav
Objectives: Get into 'bed' with the King

War Journal Entry #2

Oh the pain, oh the agony of it all. I really screwed the pooch this time. I ran from Poland because of that dueling nonsense, but now I'm in more trouble. This morning started well enough, I came up with the brilliant plan, by befriending the King of the Cossacks I will protect myself from Polish retribution. There is no way this can go wrong. To the King! I produced myself to the King with all the Grace and poise of a hungover swan. The King was clearly impressed by this and sent me on a bounty hunting mission, easy.

Just call me Boba Fett

However, normally when this happens, its next door in his actual domain. Not across his kingdom, past the gates of mordor and over the River Styx.

Grrrrr

In between my destination and me were roving bands of deserters, the war isn't going too well for all involved. As such, I am soon under attack.

Why didn't I leave?

Luckily, A passing caravan stops to help out, and we manage to push the deserters back. During the fight, I spent most of the time in the saddle atop my trusty steed, Shenanigans. I say mostly because halfway through the fight, Shenanigans takes a bullet to the brain. After briefly mourning his death, I proceed to beat the holy hell out of the deserters

This Is My Boomstick

Just an aside here. A really good thing that this game does is that you have the option to change from ranged mode, to melee mode with a gun. In times like this, its a life saving really good, however, DO NOT DO WHAT I HAVE DONE, and buy a carbine and three pouches of ammo. While this does work in some cases, when your horse dies, Your screwed. Drop your pants, and just let the bullets go in, it will be easier.

We beat down the deserters and I mourn the loss of Shenanigans. I also realise that having just my rifle is a death sentence. So I go to the nearest Cossack town, sell my rifle, and buy a broadsword, pistol and a new fandangled grenade thing, that the owner assures me is 100% guaranteed to explode, so that's neat, on top of all this, I buy a new horse, and name him Shenanigans II. Carrying on I finally reached the village and look around, searching for my prey. Hold on, he looks nervous to see me.

Noob Tip: The Nervous Man is always the prey

I head back to the King, who is no longer in his castle and after running around for a few hours, find him. He promptly snubs my payment and sends me to break someones kneecaps for not paying a debt owed to him. Why you would snub paying the king of the entire country his money, I don't know. But I go break the guys knee caps.

Thy will be done

After coming back to the King once again, getting snubbed in terms of payments. He sent me to get more money. Which I do, despite the town almost revolting against my pansy ass. The King has moved again, to a Polish town and is currently fighting the Poles for it, Since I can't find him in town, and there are dead bodies everywhere, I'll just get a drink.

More Vodka, In Poland

End War Journal Entry #2

Next Time Children, More bloody errands

The End of A Semester, The Start of an Adeventure

2011-05-27T18:40:00.000+10:00

You hear that, yes it the sound of the damned screaming. As I've finished Uni for a semester its time for me to do something productive with my life. So here we go again. In an effort to make it somewhat interesting, again I'll be doing to in the first person, and just to toss things up and make it unbearable for the rest of you, I'll doing via diary entries. Oh yes, this will be fun.

So the Game we shall be playing today kiddies is Mount and Blade: With Fire And Sword. The character you can play is all dependent on you, but I've chosen to play Wolf (original aren't I), the cowardly mercenary Commander who loves his horse and rifle. I've skipped the tutorial because all it contains is talking to some Frenchmen, we start just after the tutorial....talking to some french guy and just to annoy you guys all the more, here's what we look like.

Its like looking into a mirror

Date: 5/3/1601

Time: Dawn

Location: Nowhere, Middle Of

Objectives: Need Beer, lots of Beer

War Journal Entry #1

Bloody French. All I wanted to do was settle down, maybe with a nice Polish ale wench, but no, I have to get into a fight with some French guys and a bunch of bandits. After fighting through the men on the ground me and the frenchies run away on horseback. However on our way out the townsfolk get a bit angsty and attack us on horseback. Sleeping with the Elder's daughter may not have been the best decision I've made but hey, you only live once, and she had beer, oh so much beer. So we fought out way through them, luckily I hid behind the corspe of a horse and picked off a few of the villigers.

After the fight me and the Frenchmen sit down and he explains the situation. He's Jacques de Clermont, a disgraced musketeer who picked a fight with another musketeer called D'Artagnan

Yes, that D'Artagnan of the Three Musketeers

After which he had to flee France. Fair enough, I mean I have forgotten all of that, I'm too distracted by his stylish mustache.

It's Hypnotic

As fast and as politely as I could (Which is straight away) I left. This Frenchmen is going to get me killed. I make my way to the closest town, Slomesnk and head tot he Tavern for a stiff drink. Never really had the head for fighting, I need vodka to calm my nerves. A man who clearly has been into the vodka a little too much asked me to raise a glass, so I shout "For Old Man Khmer"... Oh dear

Okay fine, he's not that old

I seem to have offended the local populace. The only way out is to fight, again.

Have you ever tried to steam clean something in the 17th century?

Great, time to leave Poland. I leave town as fast as possible, pausing only briefly at the brothel. On my way out, It seems that I'm not the only one leaving town in a hurry, I promptly ran amok of looters, luckily there are only four of them, and even better, there not on horses.

You are going to have such a bad day

Okay, Time for a noob tip about the looters and bandits you will meet. And you will meet them. The first thing you do is get men. There are roving bands of 100 - 150 deserters and if you don't have 12000 thaler to pay them, they will use your arse for target practice.

After slaying the last of looters, by riding around them and making them into swiss cheese, I head to the nearest Cossack town, the Cossacks are apparantly at war with Poland, so I should be safe there. Turns out I'm in the capital, and where there are nobles and kings, there is Vodka.

Damn Straight

End Journal Entry #1

Next time we learn how to be the King's lacky

Tutorial Time Kiddies

2011-01-02T22:54:00.000+11:00

Okay Sole Reader, its time once again to unpuzzle the wastes and conquer madness. As I, Wolf, show you how to navigate the waste in Fallout: New Vegas. Yesterday was simply the character creation. Today we go through the tutorial. Yes I know that these two things really didn't need a walkthrough but I'm doing it simply to get into the flow of things, and to show you some things you probably missed. When we last left off, we had just left the Doc's house. So let's continue.

After leaving the Doc's house, you are told to head to the local bar. Don't do that. Instead head to the general store. You may have noticed that the last screenshot I showed you had Lord Bigglesworth having boxing gloves. These do exactly 2 damage. So you want a weapon. But before you walk into the general store, activate this blue box.

A TARDIS this ain't

This box works as sort of a post office for your stuff, you can send things through them to another post box, once activated. Kinda helpful if you become over-encumbered. Anyway, inside the store you'll meet Goodsprings local trader, he'll have a variety of different things for sale, it doesn't matter really what you buy, if you can buy anything you need do so. But make sure you buy the shovel. Its only eighteen caps or so. Not only does this do five times the damage of your gloves but it will come in handy a bit later. Anyway head into the Prospector Saloon, its just next door. Inside you'll find Sunny Smiles. A girl who is impossibly cheerful. Before you select the Doc Mitchell option, scroll down to the "I'm short on caps..." option. She'll give you some bobby pins and a locksmith digest. These will once again come in handy a bit later. After that take the "Doc Mitchell told me you'll be able to help me survive..." option. This will take you to the first tutorial mission. Its simply to shoot bottles off a ledge with the gun she gives. After this Sunny asks you to help shoot geckos. Accept. She will then ask you to follow her. Simple enough. After awhile she stops and then tells you they're geckos over the ridge.

What was your first hint, the fact they're standing behind you

Now the correct way to do this is to go left. As a general rule, if you have a choice, go left. But in this instance go right, over the hill and come out behind them. This almost never works but hey, its seems more tactical to come in from behind then running in screaming, seeing as your only weapon will probably be a laser pistol, a boxing glove, or in my case, a shovel. After killing the geckos, there are normally two. Sunny will ask you to help clear out two more wells. Accept this as well, she'll give you around 60 more bullets for your gun. The second well will generally have three more geckos. But its this third well that important. You see upon arriving you will see this scene.

This lady is pissed off

You must save this lady. Saving her really doesn't give you anything good, except for some purified water, but still it will raise your reputation with Goodsprings and help with what comes next. After this, Sunny will give you another part to the tutorial, crafting. Accept this as well. This will lead you to the schoolhouse and the graveyard. Fast travel to Goodsprings and then head to the schoolhouse. Just outside it is a stump with three of the xander roots you need surrounded by mantis'.

Hey Stumpy

Before heading to the graveyard, go inside the school. There are several mantis' here and some things to loot, but in a corner is the real prize. The use either your science skill or lockpick skill to open the safe. There is a huge bounty in here. Take it all and sell or keep what you wish. Now head to the graveyard. They're well me a fair amount of bloat flies here. Kill them. Now the Broc flower is to the back right of graveyard. But once again there is more bounties here than meets the eye. First off, to the far left, pretty much in line from the Broc flower, is something magical and wonderful. A snow globe.

I bet you though I was joking.

Seriously, there is a snow globe there. Grab it. Another one of those things that will come in handy later. But unlike the magazine and the bobby pins you used to open the safe, your going to be holding on to this for a while. But relax Sole Reader, this pays off. Anyway, your not done yet. Now I have never been a good man, I'm evil. Its well documented and well established. So naturally when in a grave yard I go a grave robbing. This is why you bought the shovel. Or at least I hope you brought it. If you don't shame on you, go back and get it. Open up all the graves for various flavours of ammo. Now fast travel back to Goodsprings Well. Talk to Sunny and then use the campfire, the first one on the list should be healing powder. A minor wound healing consumable. Anyway that's it for the tutorial, all you need to do is head back to the Prospector Saloon and talk to Trudy. Upon entering you meet this scene.

Good day to you ma'am, now prepare to die.

That's it for today kiddos. Tomorrow we finally make some impacting choices.

And...Here...We...Go. Again.

2011-01-01T18:25:00.000+11:00

Okay. So with the pointless and probably obscure batman reference out the way, lets get this walk through started. As always we start with the character selected screen. So, let us decipher the madness that is Fallout New Vegas.

Your Name

Inconsequential. Seriously, everything else at least serves some purpose. Apart for some funny dialogue choices your name could be Lord Bigglesworth for all anyone cares, and as no one does care. That is our name, Lord Bigglesworth. Hey, if your going to run around the waste explain stuff you may as well do it with a false title and a stupid name.

Your Looks

Again, purely cosmetic. Apart from the gender there really isn't anything worth here. Gender does effect some of the traits, but its a minor thing at best. But I went for a lordly look, Goatee and a pompadour haircut.

Meet Lord Bigglesworth ladies

Your Stats

Rather than explain this in one huge chunk I'll break it down into each component, however it should be noted that if you have played any RPG before, you know what to expect

Strength - Melee fighters key statistic. Governs your damage in close combat and how much you can carry

Perception - Stealth artists and energy weapons. Also helps by giving extra range to your compass. And lock picking

Endurance - Your health stat, more of this means less likely chance for you to die. Also helps with unarmed

Intelligence - Basically, the utility stat. If you want to hack into something, repair something or heal yourself put points into this.

Charisma - If your not going to take a companion then this is a pointless skill. Apart from speech, there is nothing charisma can do for you. So if you want a few more points, take a point or two from here

Agility - Ninjas rejoice. Stealthy characters will have high agility. Governs the ability of sneak and guns. So its perfect for snipers.

Luck - High luck means high chance of critical hits and higher chance that people like the mysterious stranger will come to save your sorry arse.

I basically dropped Charisma and then buffed up endurance and strength. But its important to remember that you will have your own play style, I'm just showing you the ways I beat the game, and my own play style.

Ladies, Meet Lord Bigglesworth, he has the strength of an ox, and the intelligence of a beaver

Many congratulations, you have now set in stone your character. Trust me, you screw this up, it will come back to bite your arse off. Anyway, time for your mind to be probe by a weird old man.

The Psych Evaluation

Ultimately pointless, although you can get some funny reactions from Doc Mitchel, Personally I just tend to pick the last one, things like Human Shield for mother and kick for dog. At the end of it you can tag your skills. I pick unarmed, stealth, and speech. Now I want to take this opportunity to point out something I probably should have mentioned in the golden rules. Consider this unofficial Rule 5: Any spare points go into speech. Speech checks are a large part of the game, so its better to have points in Speech just to be sure, hell the final boss can be talked out of murdering everyone. Anyway, After you do the psych evaluation is done, you choose your medical history, or your traits. In this I went for good natured, putting my speech, barter etc up, while lowering my aggressive skills, but only by 5 points each. The other trait is heavy handed, lowers my critical chance, but raises my damage. So I'm okay with this. Alright, now all you need to do is leave the couch. However there is one very important thing you need to do before hand.

Lord Bigglesworth is a a semi-violent bastard

Loot everything insight. There is a randomness to what spawns in Doc Mitchel's house, but they is normally a knife and a laser pistol around. So look around. Also, grab the hat on the hatstand. Its kinda awesome. If you choose four eyes, there is also normally a pair of glasses around somewhere. Just walk around looking in containers and such for anything useful. That's it for character creation, talk to the Doc for your stuff, it changes depending on what skills you tagged, unarmed get boxing gloves. Walk out and taste the sunshine.

Ladies, Meet Lord Bigglesworth, Champion boxer

Next time: The Turtorial

Wait. Haven't we been here before?

2010-12-30T14:29:00.000+11:00

Hello Again. It's been a while since I have put anything up, but that is because I have been busy. If you haven't already guessed by the title, we are returning to an old friend. A game that I love, a game that is stupidly complex for such a simple premise, a game that I have put in over 120 hours into just in the first two weeks alone. It is a game where we have ancient rulers, robots, giant mutants, and blood, oh so much blood. Yes dear sole reader, we are returning to ...

Around the world, a million gamers scream in terror

Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I realise I said I wasn't coming back to this but...well...I love this game. So yeah, I'm going to write about it. But, I'm not doing a Preacher Tale, or Charles or anything like that. I've learnt my lesson, I'll stop that now, forever shall the realms of fiction gaming be left to the greats such as Toby, Shamus, and J.R.R Tolkien. Instead I'm doing a proper walk through, None of this Preacher crap, just me, you and your mother in this journey through the wastes, where I shall endeavour to help you along in your quest for vengeance. Naturally it would be a bit hard to do every single quest in the game. I would need to devote several decades of my life, and since the doctor tells me I'm living on 12 years borrowed time, well, we shall just be sticking to the quests that you would most likely find, or quest that I think you should do, during the main quest line. Before we get into the game, I realise that some of you want to figure out thing on your own, so for those of you wanting a slight nudge in the right direction, here's a quick guide to help you through.

Your Character

I've said before, I always like to stick to a persona. Be it a Preacher, a suave rogue, or just generally an idiot (For those times when I feel like playing myself). I find that this lets me keep track of what I want to do. I suggest at least sticking to a theme. If you want to be a brawler, don't assign points into intelligence, strength is much better. Likewise, if you want to pick every lock and break every computer, charisma isn't going to help you.

On top of this, you should also think about how your going to act in game. I don't mean plan every solution to every event, just a general direction in which you want to go. Do you want to be the bad guy, do you want to be the morally dubious guy, or do you want to be the god-fearing, paragon of virtue. Either way, this will reflect in the skills you choose, playing the good guy I found that people were less likely to be talked out of trying to murder me, being the bad guy however, I was pretty much begging every time I came to a major person. That being said however, karma really doesn't effect the game that much. Its the reputations system that does. Which leads us to...

The Reputation System

Okay, most people aren't going to have the entire game mapped out, but you will need to pick your allegiance pretty much from the first quest. So here's the briefest of run downs on the four major factions/choices your going to have to choose from:

NCR - The good guys, the army, the Saviours. These guys run the wastes pretty much, so by joining them, you save your self some hassle, but get the standard array of gear and respect.

Caesars Legion - The ~~prophets people,~~ No, Bad Wolf, No Preachers here, I mean the bad guys. Roman legionaries being led by Caesar. A little backward but hey, they're the only ones sticking it to the good guys, so I have to root for them

Mr. House - Okay, the long and the short of it is, he is the man behind New Vegas, he runs it, controls it, keeps it alive. If you are the gambling sort, join this man.

Wild Card - That's you little buddy. There is an option to rule New Vegas yourself. But, do you want to go up against all three of the others, as well as the other minor factions. Do you have the cajones?

By deciding which faction you want to join means that you can make decisions in the early game that can help or hinder certain factions. Trust me, it is annoying to find one path blocked to you because killed a guy at the start. Alternatively, wing it. Just go out there and murder all. See what happens. But while your out there murdering everyone and they're mum, and her dog, trying and keep in mind the golden rules.

The Golden Rules

1) Always have a sword (or something similar)
There are things your not going to want to waste ammo on, or have no ammo. Its always better to have a melee option when you run out of bullets, as opposed to running in bare handed.

2) Always carry a gun.
Even if your a melee fighter, carry a ranged weapon. Because there are going to be things you don't or can't get near. I'm thinking along the lines of Deathclaws here, they have a ten-foot kill radius, so bring a fat man.

3) A jack of all trades is a jack arse
Specialise in something. Sure carry a variety of weapons. But make sure you can use one like a master. You may be mediocre in all weapons, but there will be a time when the enemies you face are masters, what then? just going to hope and pray? No, because you have remembered rule four.

4) There is no problem, to big, or to small, that explosives cannot fix
If in doubt, blow them all to hell. Its a simple, heavy hitting motto. Use as a last resort. Or when faced with larger numbers, or a person you hate. Or a deathclaw, or mutated animals. Just anything really, Explosives rule.

And that's it for the general stuff. Its worth mentioning that everyone plays game differently, so the way I show you won't necessarily be the way you may do it. but still, I can only show you one possibility, and then explain the consequences of the other possiblities. Its also worth mentioning, that the game has an element of randomness, so weapons aren't always in the same spot, and you may not always get the same results. Again, I can only show you the way to do it, and the consequences of my actions. Take from it what you will

I give up.

2010-12-23T09:04:00.000+11:00

Clearly I have annoyed one too many people. Because the damn screenshots won't load. Okay, fine. I'll stop writing about Bioshock. I'm sorry, it was a bad idea. I'll go do something else with my time.

Is There A Doctor In The House?

2010-12-20T21:10:00.000+11:00

Ah, Sole Reader, It's time to delve into my mind again and give my psychologist a better understanding of why I'm so mentally challenged. Last time we entered this world we were ambushed by Andrew "I'm Actually From The Fallout Games" Ryan, and he set Splicer's on to us. Today, we get our heads beat in, find a bigger gun, and are put onto a fetch quest. So, let's continue the debauchery and madness with something so bad, that this website stopped me from writing it last night in order to save the world from it. Incidental, the site still isn't letting me upload any of the screenshots, so I'm going to continue on regardless. Anyway, here's me running like hell...

Oh...My...Fucking...God...I...Am...So...Totally...Fucked. I need to stop, catch... my breath. Finally, Atlas has over ridden the bloody door, time for more running. I'm starting to feel like bloody Doctor Who. It's okay, I've lost them. Now, where the hell am I? Medical pavilion. Excellent. Through here and then to Neptune's bounty. What's that noise? Hey its a nurse, I wonder if... Oh bugger, she's trying to beat my head in with a wrench. Man, she's just like every girl I've ever met. Okay, so a little lightning here, a little wrench action on her face and boom, she's "sleeping". I look around the medical pavilion for a while. searching for loot, ammo and vodka. Near the back of the Pavilion I find a door with a security drone inside, I guess I should get the drone up and running again, might be a useful ally. I start to hack the drone.

*What should go here is a screenshot of the hacking mini game, which is plumbing*

With that done I head done the corridors, up the stairs, and... *WHACK* Oh God, what the hell is that? Ah, its another murderous mother, well taste my wrench. With her out of the way, I activated the security over ride and starting searching around for more vodka. I don't find any booze, however I do find a Tommy Gun.

*Here is NOT a screenshot of me murder 5 Splicers with my new gun*

Heading back downstairs, I find out that the security override has attracted a lot of attention from Ryan and he has sent yet another wave of Splicers against me. However, none of them can shoot lighting out of their arses so I finish them off with ease. Heading to the Surgery Pavilion I breathe a sigh of relief as I finally have escaped all the weirdness and WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?

*Once again no damn screenshot of a ghost running full pelt towards us*

Great. Splicers, despots, and now fucking ghosts, what else could go wrong

*Here is where Big Daddy should be, but he isn't DAMN YOU INTERNETS!*

Entering surgery I see the local surgeon, the man who created the Splicers, the main man, apart from Ryan. I start to chase him. Unfortunately he has a bit more forethought than the last five dozen Splicers and brought grenades, and being smarter than them he doesn't throw the grenades at me, but at the roof. Which collapses.

*Here is the dramatic end of adventure screenshot with the roof collapsing*

Okay that's it. Yeah I know, its the worst I have written so far. If this problem persists I'll move on to another game. But if the problem does stop next time we become fucking Jedi's, and probably murder small girls

Sever Error

2010-12-19T22:18:00.003+11:00

I can't post a lets play today, simply because the screenshots won't upload. I'll try again tommorow, many apologies Sole Reader. I know that this pointless blog is all you have to live for.

Who's Your Daddy?

2010-12-17T13:49:00.000+11:00

That's Right Sole Reader, it's time for another pointless adventure in the City Of Rapture. With Me, Wolf. The man with no sense of Grammar. Last time, we arrived at Rapture, re-wrote our DNA, got out arses collectively kicked by Splicers and met some local inhabitants, all leading up to an elevator in a burning building. Today, we beat the crap out of more people, and meet one of the more scary elements of Rapture. So, Here We Go...

Really, this is the choice I have, burning in an elevator, or just plain burning to death. Ah screw it, elevator of doom it is. Wait, is the roof caving in. Oh, the roof is totally caving in. Thank god I didn't stay in there. Now all I have to do is get to the surface and... Why is Atlas still talking to me? Ah, I see. He's bitching about his wife... and kids...and the fact that Splicers are evil. He's says to me "Would you kindly rescue them?" How can I refuse. I reach the end of the Elevator Of Death and see a shrine to Ryan. While creepy, I do get some first aid kids from it. Around the corner is the single saddest sight I have seen in the last ten minutes. A mother crying over her baby.

Naw

I go up to the mother to try and console her. Just as I reach her I take a look at the wonderful baby. That's weird, its shaped like a pistol. It smells like a pistol. You know what, I think that's a pistol in her carriage. This is confirmed when the mother turns out to be a Splicer, who promptly tries to beat my head in with a lead pipe. Some arse lightning settles her down, followed by a quick wrench to the head. I promptly take the pistol, which I christen "Baby" in honor of the mother. Moving on from the psychopathic mother, I enter a room full of water and quite naturally in the water is a couple of Splicers taking a bath. I introduce them to the concept of electricity.

Shocking, isn't it

I head into the kitchen, murdering two splicers along the way simply because I could. Finding a few dollars and some first aid kits I couldn't carry, I head upstairs and into the toilets because I haven't taken a shit since the airport. On the way up I once again murder a Splicer or two, these fights starting to meld into one long grind. I head to the loo and finally take a piss. Ahhhhhhhhhh, now all I have to say is: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?

Who you gonna call?

Great, ghosts. Planes, mutants and now freakin' ghosts. It doesn't matter, I must save Atlas's family, so I say fuck you to the ghost and run like hell. Upon exiting the toilets, through a convenient hole in the wall at the end of the stalls, Atlas asks me if I would kindly lower my weapon. Why? I mean all that is around is a little girl stabbing a dead corpse. Hold on, it that little girl from when I was knocked out, and if shes around... Oh crap.

I think you can see where this is going

I sneak across the walkway up the top, and tip toe down stairs. Where I arrive on a Splicer trying to beat the crap out of the little girl, who Atlas tells me is called a Little Sister. I watch in horror as the Splicer pistol whips the Little Sister, which proceeds to annoy someone in the shadows. With a roar a metal behemoth charges out and impales the Splicer on his mining drill.

There is no other caption you can put here except: Who's your daddy?

Atlas tells me that thing is called a Big Daddy, guardian of the Little sisters. Great. I continue on following the path of the Big Daddy. I head down several flights of stairs murdering more Splicers with electricity and then blowing their heads off. I see a sign to the medical bay and head towards it, however before I can go in.

IT BURNS!!!!

Great, Andrew "I'm the Bad Guy" Ryan has set his security on me. Atlas tells me if I would kindly go towards Neptune's Bounty. I run towards their, however to get there I need to go through the Medical Bay and at the door to the Bay.

Guess Who?

In the words of Admiral Akbar, "IT'S A TRAP!"

Next Time: ITS A BLOODY TRAP YOU FOOL!

Welcome To Rapture

2010-12-14T16:02:00.000+11:00

Hello Again, Sole Reader. Time for another adventure, and I use that term loosely. Today we once again follow Me, Wolf, Champion of the idiots, in an undersea adventure in Bioshock. Yesterday I crashed into the Atlantic Ocean, almost drowned and swan onto a tower that makes Sauron's tower look like the My Little Pony Fan club HQ. Today we enter the tower and find the city of Rapture, meet the locals and bash their brains in. Mmmm Brains.

Okay, so creepy golden door. Leading to an ominous dark room. Inside a monolithic black tower. In the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. There is no possible way this is a good idea, so I may as well head inside. Well this isn't so bad. I mean, sure it could use a window or two. Maybe some drapes. A couch wouldn't go amiss but... wait, what was that sound? Great the door closed by itself. I'm now trapped in the scary tower and, hey, the lights turned on well that's an improve... Dear God!

The Eyes!!!!

That's as scary as seeing your sister nude. Okay, okay, ignore the statue. Concentrate on the stairs. Count the stairs. One, two, three... damn what comes after three... Twelve! Right, the statue has gone. Replacing the statue in the role of things that creep me the fuck out is the now what looks like a metal bubble. Seeing as I have no choice, I'll go for a ride. Oh, there's only one setting. Hey, I'm going down. Awesome, just where I wanted to go, the bottom of the fucking sea. 10 Fathoms... 15 Fathoms... 18 Fathoms... PowerPoint presentation, What? Damn, even at the bottom of the sea you can't get rid of these things. Hey, its the guy from the statue.

Alright, Time out. I need to point something out here, but first. A flashback. Go back to Preacher Tales. During his many adventures along the wastes, he met a man called Mr. House. Now here's what House looked like.

Look carefully at the picture now.

Now watch what happens when I compare House's Picture, to Ryan's from Rapture.

They're the same person. Except for House moustache, they could be twins. House even says when you kill him. A thousand years of planning ruined. Bioshock is set in the 1960's, fallout is somewhere around the middle of the 2200, it fits. I have no idea if this is intentionally on behalf of Bethesda, who makes Fallout: New Vegas. But still it's kinda cool. Anyway, back to the Philosophy lecture.

The man called Ryan starts saying things like all communists are bad, the Vatican is an idiot and the men in Washington are greedy bastards. So saying what we already know. But he then continues saying that he chose a different path. A path where the artist is not bound by society, where science is not bound by ethics, where a mans sweat of his brow is his own reward. Oh crap, this sounds bad. He continues by saying he chose Rapture.

I feel like this image should be played with the song "Under the Sea"

It's official. I'm totally freaking out now. Creepy statues, weird metal bubbles, now underwater cities. No...No... I deny your existence. Damn, thought that would work. Wait, there is someone on the radio. Someone with a really bad Irish accent. Oh, too be sure, too be sure. I'm coming up to the end now. Excellent, there is no possible way that this could get any weirder. I mean, how do you top an underwater city, devoid of ethics, morals and liabilities. Hey, what's that lady with the hook arms doing do that man.
...
She just tore out his spleen.

Seen here. Spleen tearing.

Oh shit, shit, shit, she's trying to get in. Please make this metal be stronger than human flesh. Crap, the lights exploded. Wait, its gone quiet. Crap, never a good sign. Hold on, she's outside. Why did she stop? Oh, I see, the Irish mans accent drove her away. He asks me if I would kindly pick up the radio. I do, I mean, who else is going to talk to me. Apparently the Irish man is Atlas, and he is now my new best friend. Owing to the fact that he isn't trying to kill me. He is telling me to get to higher ground. Okay doke. Hold it, that means I have to leave the bubble. Fuck. Its okay, I'm a big boy I can do this. One...Two...Three...Go! MOMMY!!!! Running, running, running, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap. Phew safe, except for that growling... ah crap, she's behind me. It's okay, I'll just turn around and explain to her that, hold on, whats that alarm sound...HA! Turrets are saving me. Awesome

Thank god for private security

So what Atlas is calling a Splicer is dead. Atlas tells me if he would kindly pick up a wrench or something. Wait, wrench. You mean I don't get a Red Crowbar. Man, that sucks. Oh well, at least its a weapon. So, I'll just start smashing things around me. Hey, I destroyed a wall. Awesome. Wonder whats behind it. Whoa, burning couch. Oh damn. It's a Splicer. Finally I get to see what these bastard look like up close. Oh god... give me a sec to throw up.

God damn your ugly

I beat the bastards head in with my trusty wrench. I turn to go out the door however the level is shut down. Great, so that way's out, I wonder what's up these stairs.

So shiny.

A very weird jar, and a needle. Well I may as well inject myself with this. I've got nothing better to do.

WHOA! That's good squishy

Okay, that's trippy. Damn this is good stuff. Wait, why is the room spinning. Oh crap, failing.
...
...
Ow, that hurt and now there's Splicers talking about a guy called Adam. There leaving, why? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?!

Whose your daddy?

What the fuck is that, and how do I make it go away? And why is there a little girl with her?

And the creepiness continues.

The little girl calls me an angel. She is delirious, probably because she hangs around with that metal behemoth she calls Mr. Bubbles. Damn. Oh, hold on, she doesn't like that I'm alive. She's leaving. What the fuck? Fine, leave, not that I'm complaining but that makes no sense. Anyway, I have bigger problems. Like that fact I can now shoot lightning out my arse. Hey, I can jump start the door now. Okay, that's awesome, but not helpful as I am soaking wet. Still, the doors open now so I can proceed. Hey look, its the plane. Coming straight for me. Sigh

This was inevitable

I run through the plane with the glass tunnel exploding around me. Thank god that's over, yet the I once again have another problem. The rooms on fire. Great, and ... hold on what's that. Now come on while that's scary, its totally ridiculous, he'll just die in a couple of seconds.

See, he's going to burn to a crisp in a second

Why isn't he dying. He's still coming at me. Okay fine, take some arse lightning. There he's dead, and in the burning building is an elevator. Oh, great a burning building and a small elevator. Why does this always happen to me?

Sigh

Next time: Shoot, zap and shit.

Once Again, A New Adventure

2010-12-13T11:33:00.000+11:00

Okay, so for the second time in as many weeks, we are going to follow me playing games Sole Reader. Now that Steam has finally downloaded the damn game. I was tired of RPG's, or at least, games where I need to watch 20 minutes of cut scenes for every enemy I kill. So my large store of Bioware games or gone. Instead I want to run around blowing peoples heads off, I want to electrocute people. So rather than play World of Warcraft, I've decided to do another FPS. Likewise, instead of playing as a persona, like The Preacher, or Charles. I'm playing as myself. That's right, I'm playing as Wolf. God Help Us All. So without further ado, let us begin my Rapturous adventure in

We're all going to regret this

I'm on the midnight flight back home. It's the worst flight I have even been on. The in-flight movie was Sleepless in Seattle, the meal was an under cooked chicken vindaloos and the baby behind me was nothing but the pain. But its all worth it just so I can get home. Mum and Dad are going to flip.

Mummy and Daddy

I swear to God, That baby is killing me. If this plane crashes as long as the baby dies, I'll be happy. Wait what was that noise. What, the engines have failed. OH SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! Wait, the baby is dead. Its all good. Wait, there is the sea. Black. Bubbles. Oh, I love bubbles. Wait, I'm in the water. I can't breathe. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Wait, what's that. Hold on, that's the plane. How did I out of the plane, into the water, and then start drowning all before the plane hit the water.

And who's purse is that

Okay, this is bad. I need to start swimming. But which way is up. Which way is down. Oh forget this, I'll swim towards the fire. Wow, never thought I'd do that again. Surfacing I get my first lungful of sweet carbon dioxide filled air. Wait, whats that there? What the hell?

I've got to be tripping

No, I'm not tripping. That's a tower. What the hell is a tower doing in the middle of Atlantic Ocean. Well if it'll get me out of the water, I may as well head over there. Oh hey look, that's kinda neat. Wait, why isn't it sinking like the rest of the crap around me?

It just sits there.

Okay, to the tower. Wow, another thing I never thought I'd say again. Hey there are steps, that's helpful. Alright, now what. I'm in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, with no food, the water around me will kill me if I drink it, and my only form of shelter is a monolithic tower with no entrance. Wait, no that's not right. There is a golden door here. That leads to a room of pitch black darkness. Great, there is no way this could go wrong.

Homely

Next Time gentle people: Rapture and bludgeoning people to death

Zombie Survival - Melee Weapons

2010-12-12T21:43:00.000+11:00

Okay. So while I was hoping to post a Let's Play today however the game I want to write about is still downloading from Steam. So I'll post something a bit different. As the name says, this is a zombie survival guide. Now as my brother still refuses to believe he is a zombie I'll have to use a video substitute. As Left 4 Dead would be a bit hard to screenshot, I guess I'll have to use Dead Rising 2. Okay so here we go. Today's topic, if you haven't all ready guessed, is Melee Weapons.

Types Of Melee Weapons

Three are five types of weapons that you need to be aware of. The Bladed, The Blunt, The Powered, The Gloves and The "Screw You."

The Bladed

Knives, Swords, Machetes, Axes. If it cuts, stabs or skewers. Its here. But why and when should you use such a weapon in a Zombie Apocalypse. Well for a start, decapitation is one of greatest things you can do. Secondly, You look bad ass.

Even when you look like a rodeo clown.

Blades are the greatest weapons you will ever find. If you can get a broadsword and start twirling around. See zombies decapitated by your awesome power. They are also one of the most common weapons you will find. So grab axes, swords. The Bigger the Better.

The Blunt

Who doesn't like baseball. That's right, no one likes it. It's just some pricks running around some diamond. However, get a baseball bat, some zombies and let the hilarity ensue. Bats, hammers, dumb bells. If it smashes, smooshes or smacks. Its here and its awesome. This is a zombies worst nightmare but your greatest friend. You look even more bad ass than using a blade.

Damn Straight

Blunt weapons are dirty weapons. When you need to bring the hurt or clear an area quickly, bring a bat. When you want to teach a zombie a lesson. Bring a dumb bell. Want a quick weapon that doubles as a thrown weapon. Grab a brick and start smashing. Its all good.

The Powered

The third type of melee is powered weapons. Anything with a battery or power source comes under this. Chainsaws, drills, vacuum cleaners, if its got a plug, its here. When you need motorized death in you pocket pocket. Sure, it makes you look a bit off a wuss, but hey, who needs manliness when you start turning people into red goo

Beneath this goo is a drill, that's all

Powered weapons should be reserved solely for humans. There are better weapons for murdering zombies. But stick a power drill inside a psychopath, he's going to go down pretty quick.

The Gloves

Deserving of its own category, gloves are simply what you place on your hands. There are two main types of gloves: The standard gloves and the custom gloves (We'll get to these later). There is one important thing to note when using standard gloves to kill zombies. You look like tosser. No if, buts or maybes. You look like a absolute wanker.

See what I mean

But where gloves shine when you start taping it to stuff, see "Channelling MacGuyver"

The "Screw You"

These are the weapons you bring when your pissed off at the world and all you want to do is kill anything and everything. These can be anything, a sledge hammer, a car, chainsaw. What ever, so long as its big and destroys as many zombies in one go as possible or at least vapourises any zombies you hit. My personal favourite is the sledgehammer.

Stop. Hammer Time

"Screw You" weapons are what you bring when there are some zombies who just won't die. That and those pesky survivors who have gone nuts and decided to murder all living and dead things. The "Screw You" weapons generally tend to be makeshift and have been combined from mundane weapons. Which leads us to...

Don't Be Afraid To Channel MacGuyver

The great about the zombie Apocalypse is that it gives you a great chance to explore your creative side. Sure, the drill you have is good and will kill some zombies. But, why don't you remove the drill bit and replace it with a spear. Yes. Or what about taping two chainsaws to your oar. Go nuts by pretending your an really evil Darth Maul. Even better duct tape your fire axe and sledge hammer together, to create the ultimate "Screw You" weapon.

Words cannot describe the awesome power of this

However, a wise man once said, just because you can, doesn't mean you should. For example you can combine a spray can and a traffic cone, but all that means is that it kills one zombie after twenty seconds of standing still. You can combine a baseball cap and beer to create a sippy cap, but its a pointless thing. You can create a drill bucket, that is a bucket with drills in the top. But it is a one shot gimmick. Still it is kinda awesome.

Just no.

Things to remember when fighting in Melee Combat

1) As the Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy says, Don't Panic
2) Always pack for the occasion, if your going zombie hunting, pack weapons that can take out swarms. If your going humie hurting, pack lots of "Screw You" Weapons, I suggest a bow and arrow mixed with dynamite
3) When in doubt, use a baseball bat
4) Never get surrounded
5) When your flying by the seats of your pants, nothing sounds more official than plan B

Okay, so that's all for now. If I get really bored I may do another one of these. But hopefully the next post I do will a proper gaming one.

Charles Died

2010-12-09T15:52:00.000+11:00

Okay, So I'm stopping Charles's chronicles for the simple reason that its become way too hard to write. Credit to Bioware for making a great game but its dialogue heavy, and cutscene heavy. Trying to convey all that into text, not going to work. I thought it was but it isn't. So I'm going to try and find a different game. On top of this, because I am if nothing else, a lazy bastard. I'm staggering these posts. Trying to write an entire adventure everyday is also killing me. So see you next time Sole Reader.

Wolf

Big Problems

2010-12-08T19:31:00.000+11:00

Here we are, Sole Reader, once again. Me pointlessly telling you what I did twenty minutes age. You go huh, and then go off to murder another prostitute or go read better blogs, what ever it is you do with your spare time. Anyway enough depressing crap, lets sink deeper into madness. Yesterday we black out because we drank some blood. So we are kinda shitty vampires. We continue this cut scene filled moment, with us waking up and walking 100 ft to the king and his second arguing about how to screw over the Grey Wardens.

I still say we should come from behind

I am Charles the Rogue Noble or should that be Noble Rogue, either way, the King has given me a mission. We need to light a beacon so that Loghain (More on this guy a little later). Duncan later takes us aside and gives us the details of the plan. We are to head to the top of the ruined tower and light a signal fire when Duncan gives the signal. Alistair will know what to look for. Hold on, I'm being sidelined to go do a stealth mission involving a faithful ally that will decide the outcome of the battle and effect the future of many. Where have I done this before? Oh wait I remember, WHEN I GOT EXILED! But nobody listens to me, Alistair just goes on about doing the can can in front of the darkspawn.

No really

Okay, so we head off. As we start for the tower, the battle starts. Flaming rocks are flying everywhere and Alistair and I get hit by some.

I would love to show you the epicness of running across a parapet while its underseige but everytime I stopped to try and capture it. I got hit by a catapalt rock and knocked backwards screwing up the shot. Sorry.

On the way to the tower we meet two randoms who tell us that the Tower has been taken.

You have got to be kidding me

So the team is me, Alistair (a faithful ally), and two randoms versus a darkspawn held area in order to do light a beacon in order to save the day. This is exactly what happened when I got exiled. I am totally screwed. We continue to fight on, meeting a group of Genlocks and a smattering of Hurlocks on the way to the tower enterance. We fight out way up the stairs until we meet an Alpha Hurlock (See Ork Boss). Just before I can say a snappy retort Alistair goes "Bow". The Hurlock quite understandably laughs in his face. Alistair just shows him the pointy bit of his sword and says again "Bow"

The Boss bowing.

We stand their in awe for a moment, only inturrupted by the mage pissing himself. Shaking off our stunned faces we continue with the task at hand.

Okay, I can't think of a way to make this next bit seem interesting, its just run towards one end of the level while being attacked by baddies, then the next level and then the next, so I'm going to gloss over it

On the way through the hordes of darkspawn we face deathly perils.

Good thing I'm such a short arse

We find Balistas

Oh Yeah

We help out PETA by realising murderous dogs

Heh Heh Heh

Even put up with Alistairs bitching

We're totally screwed man

Until we get to the last level. Now through out all this we have been hearing growling. I quite naturally assumed this was my stomach because I haven't eaten sinced I was exiled. But its now coming from the next room. This could be bad. But we have murdered all those before us so far. So this would prove no challenge, I mean how bad could it possibly... OH COME ON! Was it too much to ask, just this once. JUST ONCE! for a little break.

Shrek this ain't

I just want to point out something here. This is an ogre and that this is a huge fight. Its epic. But then the start to bring out these guys like they have an orge death quota. Anyway the beast lies dead and we light the beacon. Now some back story, I'll explain this here because your we're still up in the tower. Anyway starting with this image.

Run away

Yes Loghain is evil as that wasn't already obvious from the fact that he clearly has a face that screams I'm an evil bastard. Okay while Loghain runs away like a little bitch, The Grey Wardens and the Darkspawn meet in battle.

Why do they all cary torches?

In the middle of this, we have this scene.

Bang. King starts to own

Okay, so we know find out why the king is the King, because he wields his Claymore like a dagger. While this happens Duncan stops, and has a "I sense a presence. A Presence I have not felt since..." moment. Three seconds later this happens

The king then spits in this guys mouth.

The King is then ripped in half. Quite understandably this upsets Duncan, who in a moment of grief invents a new sport.

Ogre climbing.

The man scales the Ogre with his sword and dagger. I mean seconds later he is overwhelmed by Darkspawn because he left his weapons in the Orge. Okay back to us

Well that worked out well. We killed the orge, lit the beacon. Hey, I didn't even get hit by any of the thousands of arrows that got to be some sort of record. Wait what was the noise...CRAP!

There we go

Thats it for today. Join us next time for more TALES OF INTEREST! I mean chronicles of charles.

Ashes to Ashes, Dust To Dust

2010-12-07T12:24:00.000+11:00

Hello Again, Sole Reader. So we come once again, as inevitably as the tide coming in, to another tale of Charles, the Dwarf rogue outcast. Today we finish the initiation of the Grey Warden, yes I realise I said that yesterday, but this time I mean it, also something for the ladies. First off, an explanation of the level exploit I showed you yesterday. I understand people will be annoyed with me, but in all fairness, It doesn't make the game easier, in fact, as I have found out the hard way, in some cases it makes it harder. For example, all the items immediately go to the highest level, in most cases dragonbone, or drakeskin, which cost at least 2 gold. A level four character would be lucky to have 20 silver. Also, you now need to think very carefully about assigning stats to each character, because there is no way to seriously change their stats from now on, so if you come to a piece of armor that needs 42 strength and your character only has 36, you can't wait till next level. Anyway, back to Charles, we rejoin him after he has gone to the quartermaster to buy new armor, weapons and sell all the crap I got after killing the wolves.

Add screenshot for something different

I, Charles, Rogue, Dwarf, Noble caste, am throwing up. Not because of the hangings, mind you. In Orzammar we see much worst than that. Daveth has mentioned that seeing these corpses has made him hungry. After I have brought up my lunch, we return to the task at hand. Finding the scrolls for the Grey Wardens. We continue through the Wilds, meeting the odd ambush of genlocks despite the fact that Alistair can supposedly sense when they are near. Deep into the wilds, we meet a Hurlock Emissary, (See Ork Shaman) well, we are getting some where at least. I turn to the other three "Okay, listen. Here is what we're going to do, I'll go on to the ridge and rain hell down on them, Jory, Alistair you guys ... wait, where's Alistair, By The Stone!"

Boom, Headshot?

Okay, while I'm not going to show you all the finishers that Alistair does here, that's the fourth decapitation he did that fight.

Turns out that Alistair is a little more bloody thirsty than he lets on, and proceeds to cut the head off more people. I run up the the ridge and start to lay down the hurt with my crossbow, finding out too late the crossbows suck. I should have stuck with longbow. So Alistair finishes off the last five or so with ease, while Daveth fills them arrows and Jory whimpers in the corner. Among the carnage we see a dead soldier, probably taken to feed this lot. However, on his corpses are not the usual lyrium potions, but rather a scrap of a book, and some ashes. Apparently, there is a vista where a great man was burnt to a crisp, or something like that. All I know is that one the paper says great reward follows he who finds it and sprinkles the ashes over the place. So we forget about the Treaties for the moment and follow the path up to the vista. I sprinkle some ashes on the pile of rubble, and wonder what sort of prize I shall receive. While thinking about gold and treasure, I hear Jory start to soil himself. Thinking that its a large ant, or possibly a small ant I am not concerned, that is, I am not concerned until I hear Alistair swear. Okay, so its big trouble. I turn around and draw my bow in the single motion and see that the ashes reforming into a demon.

Oh Dears.

So we slay the demon with ease. Owing to the fact that Alistair tried to cut his head off, despite a lack of one. We continue up the track to find the tower blocked by a bunch of darkspawn. I pull the guys back and start to plan again.
"Okay, here's the plan. Daveth, grab your bow out and stand on that hill their. Just riddle the lot of them with arrows. Jory, run into the middle of them and soil yourself. Your going to do it regardless of what else I tell you to do, at at least this way it serves as a distraction. I'll run in with Alistair and we'll... wait, where has he gone..."
My jaw drops.

Alistair insta-killing the Alpha Hurlock.

So Alistair save us once again a great deal of work. We enter carefully with me in front, Daveth and Alistair to the left and right, and Jory whimpering behind us. There is a chest in the middle of the room, almost like its waiting for us. As we approach we find we have yet another problem. The chest is broken. Damn, Duncan is going to be pissed. As we turn to leave we meet a lady who is wearing almost nothing at all.

Not that Dwarfs go for humans.

This ladies and gentlemen is Morrigan. The Witch of The Wilds. Basically she is a shapechanger with cold spells up the arse. She also hates Alistair. So, you know, point for her there. She actually plays a fair pivotal role in the story, which is why she is mandatory to collect, like Alistair, but then, that was obvious, all characters Bioware force you to have will play some important part in the story to come.

Turns out the this apostate witch, Morrigan, mother stole the scrolls. I ask if she can take us do them. Naturally she agrees. We travel for a couple of mindless hours far into the Kocari Wilds, when we meet for mother Flemeth.

I see the resemblance.

Okay, this is Morrigan's mother. Once again I'm putting up the ***SPOILER WARNING***, even though by now you should realise, that this entire thing is one giant spoiler. Anyway, back to Flemeth.

There is a quest you are given, and if I can meet the requirements, a quest we will be doing, to kill Flemeth. I know what your thinking, shes an old lady, how hard can she be. Guess what, you know how I said the Morrigan was a shapechanger, well who do you think taught her. But while Morrigan can only turn into a bear, spider and some bees. Flemeth turns into a fucking dragon. I am, of course, trying to also show you the best bits of the game. So that means that, if I can, I will show you all the dragons in the game. Trust me, killing one is hard enough. Killing all three involves lots and lots of luck and a shit load of booze. Anyway, back to the story, jumping ahead conveniently to where we have handed in the quest and are about to undergo initiation to be Grey Wardens.

While waiting for Duncan to finish preparing the blood Daveth, Jory and I are talking among ourselves and guess what, Jory is scared. Daveth then shows is bad ass side by going on to give the speech to end all speeches, ending in "Maybe you'll die. Maybe we'll all die. If nobody stops the darkspawn. we'll die for sure." I'm in shock, all this time the man has done nothing heroic, he keeps up a facade of roguishness and uncaring nature. Yet here he is trying to convince a knight of the land that we need to be brave. All I can muster is a "here here".

Have I mentioned how much Bioware writing rocks

Duncan comes back and the ceremony begins. To be a Grey Warden means willing succumbing to the taint of the Darkspawn and mastering it. To do this, we must drink the blood. He asks Daveth forward.

Ah, hold on. Somethings wrong here.

Daveth drinks from the cup he starts to cry out in pain, his eyes white out. I hear Duncan whisper, "I'm sorry Daveth" and then Daveth collapses, never to move again. I mourn for Daveth, he would have made a fine Warden. Jory then surprises all of us. He says he is scared and refuses to do it. Okay, so it isn't that surprising, but then he draws his sword. Ah, wrong move dude, wrong move. This, quite rightly, upsets Duncan, he says "I'm Sorry Jory", draws his dagger and lunges.

Okay, now I know somethings wrong here.

Noticed that the Jory and Daveth are now but naked except for a loin cloth. Yeah, well before I handed in the quest I may have stripped them of all their belongings and sold them. So ... anyway, moving on.

Duncan finishes off Jory with ease. Its now my turn. I drink the blood. I mean, I think I could have taken Duncan in a fight, but I didn't want to risk it. Hey, its not bad. Tastes like chicken. I mean there's a slight aftertaste of pure venom, but none the less. I think I could take another swig of ... BY THE STONE!

Should have worn goggles.

Everything starts to burn. I lose consciousness, a bunch of images flash by do fast for me to ~~screenshot~~ remember, but wait, whats that. Oh.

Deathwing this ain't

Black.

That's It. Will Charles Awake? What the hell is that thing? Will we see more dragons? Find out on the next Chronicles of Charles.

Charles the Grey Warden

2010-12-06T15:31:00.000+11:00

Hello, Sole Reader. Today we continue the Chronicles of Charles, The Dwarven Noblemen. Yesterday we saw him betrayed by Behlen, his brother, and thrown in jail for fratricide he didn't commit. Today we finally become a Grey Warden. However, once agian I must place a disclaimer here. I am about to use an exploit to catapult my character level 25. Yes I realise that some purists may find this offence, but honestly if the game did want me to do this, why didn't they do more testing do avoid me doing this. So let's continue with the damnation and ruination.

I am Charles, the Rogue Dwarf who likes ale. I am in jail for killing my brother. One would think the fact that I am innocent would prevent this, but more brother Behlen is a cunning bastard. While I'm here I have time to think of the many ways I shall make Behlen pay. All the many tortures I will inflict upon him, the many ways I shall take all that he loves. However I am startled from my revenge filled fantasy with the arrival of Gorim. My faithful friend and manservant. He tells me that all will be okay, because I'm being caste into the Deep Roads with nothing but a dagger and a shield.

That's your Idea of good news.

Turns out that while the rest of the Dwarfs were condemning me to death, the Grey Wardens stayed in the Deep Roads to do something useful. Gorim tells me that this is my only hope as Behlen, the sneaky bitch, has curried favors with all the nobles and has not only screwed me over, but has had Gorim stripped of his name, caste and house and he is to be exiled to the surface. Great, the one loyal guy in all of Orzammar and I get him exiled. There is no way this could get worst... Behlen is going to be king. Great, well I am now screwed. My only hope is to some how find five Grey Wardens in the thousands of miles of the Deep Roads before I either die of starvation, die from Darkspawn murder, or go made and succumb to the taint and go to the darkside.

There is no way this could fail.

I just want to point out something here. If you do play this origin, always proclaim your innocents. If there is an option that looks anything like I'm Innocent. Take it, other wise you will end up down here with nothing but a regular dagger, instead of a kick arse dwarf forged sword.

So I start to run around the Deep Roads, meeting the occasional genlock and spider. On the way I manage to find a bow, some fire arrows and a set of dwarven plate mail. After finally getting a decent weapon, and some armor I resume my search for the Grey Wardens. I wonder around aimlessly for hours. I take a look at my map and find that there is an 'X' on it down a tunnel with the words "The Grey Wardens" next to it. Huh. That's convenient. I start off in that directions, and once again find a Genlock ambush, in plain view of the Wardens, who stand their doing nothing. After murdering the last one I approach Duncan and tell him he's a tool. I then tell him that my bastard brother stabbed me in the back and I need to become a Grey Warden. He agrees immediately.

This is how easy it is to become a warden

We leave the Deep Roads and head to Ostagar. Where King Calian's army is assembling to beat back the Darkspawn threat. Upon entering Ostagar Calian himself is there to meet us. He greets us and tells us that the Grey Wardens are going to be his personal Guard. This seems a bit of a waste for the lands most awesome killing machine until the King tells me that he and the Grey Wardens are the first wave of the attack. Again, this doesn't seem to be entirely productive, I mean what if the first wave failed. We not only lose all the Grey Warden, we also lost the King of the Ferelden. Anyway, the King leaves before I can tell him he's a tool. Duncan tells me to find Alistair and he'll explain what needs to be done. On the way to Alistair I meet a kindly old grandmother who is preaching Philosophy.

She may be senile.

Okay, this is Wynne. She'll come up later in the story but basically she's a spirit healer. While she does do some useful things offensive things, she is the single most bad ass healer around. Unfortunately she can't be recruited until you complete the Mages tower quest.

After talking to Wynne I head to the quartermaster and sell everything I own and buy some better weapons, armor and get some poison and trap recipes. I head up to the old ruins and find Alistair arguing with mage about something or other, I was too distracted by the chest in the corner to care. He finishes fighting with the mage and asks if I was another one. I straight away get the sum of this man, he's an idiot. Just look at his face, only a neanderthal has that face. He's perfect.

And the horrible goatee

Even though I'm going to be horrible to Alistair through out this entire thing, the fact remains he is awesome. He is the first proper follower you get, a former Templar and the best tank in the game. Provided you set his stats right, he can either be the best tank you will ever meet, the worst tank, or a mages nightmare. He is however, a smart Alec and yes at times a proper moron, but still he's a Templar.

Having introduced each other, we go in search of the other two recruits, which are both another rogue, and a knight of such pompousness and cowardice its a wonder he can function. While we're running around we meet a prisoner who begs for help. Not to escape you see, just for some food. In return he will give me a key to the mages chest of magical items. Naturally I give him some of the guards lunch and then he gives me the key. We return to Duncan who tells us that we are going to be sent into Kocari Wilds to fetch some treaties and three vials of Darkspawn blood. Done. We head out, and immediately run into a soldier who's entire patrol has been wiped out. Okay, not the worst thing that could have happened, but still Ser Jory starts to freak out. I tell him to be quiet, murdering Darkspawn are what we are meant to do, it doesn't matter if they find us, or we find them, either way we have to kill them. After we patched up the wounded soldier we run amok of some wolves. Things weren't off to a flying start, but none the less past the wolves there are our first half dozen darkspawn. Out of which we are only able to get two vials. Really, only two vials. That all we can get out of 4 genlocks and 2 hurlocks (See Orks). Oh wait I see, they have already decomposed.

This is 30 seconds after we have killed them

Its that old RPG classic. You are told to go collect 8 pig bladders, but end up having to murder 20 of the bastards to try and find 8 of them. All RPG, or at least all MMORPG's have them, why this is showing up in a single player game, I have no idea.

Okay, so that really didn't go well. Still, Alistair says there are more darkspawn ahead. I start to sneak and tell the others to hung back. I sneak up onto a ridge and take aim at a Hurlock. He has no idea whats about to happen.

Trying to think of an Elma Fudd joke here, but I can't so I'll just say "SURPRISE!"

We murder this group and only find one vial. Still that gives us 3. We head back to Duncan.

Alright, here's the exploit I was talking about at the start. After you collect all three vials of darkspawn blood go back to Duncan and say "We have the vials but not the treaties" you will still get the XP for the quest, do this until you hit then end. It takes about the 20 minutes to go from lvl 3-4 to lvl 25. I have no doubt that Bioware are going to patch this, if they haven't already done so. But as this is a computer version of the game, I just never install the patches. Anyway, with that done, Charles and Alistair are now both level 25, while Daveth and Jorey are still level 4. Never mind, at least we look bad ass.

Insta power ups.

That's all for today folks: Next time, ashes to ashes, who's my witch, and the battle begins.

Oh Brother

2010-12-05T11:20:00.000+11:00

Time for some fantasy action, Sole Reader. Yesterday we saw Charles, the rogue Dwarf noble, in action for the first time at the gladiator fights known as the Proving. Afterwards he was given a mission to retrieve the Shield Of Aeducan from the Deep Roads while the rest of the army strike at the darkspawn. Simple enough. Today we find out why you should always murder your brothers, no matter what, along side this, we find out why archery is awesome. Also just so nobody gets pissed, I mean it should be obvious already but any way, ***SPOILER WARNING***

I am Charles, the only noble smart enough to know how to hide. My mission is simple. Find the Shield of Aeducan. I set off with my faithful manservant and friend Gorim. Upon entrance to the tunnel we meet a lone spider and deal with him without pause, but just up ahead from the tunnel we see a trap, which Gorim, the fool, sets off as I am disarming. This inevitably calls forth the darkspawn from hiding. Bugger, I was really hoping to be sneaky about this. Oh well, needs must.

Damn short people, always setting traps.

We turn the genlocks (See Goblins) into littler pieces. We continue on, avoid more primitive traps by having Gorim run into them before I can disarm them. On a more positive note, I find a decent bow I can use among the mutilated remains of our recent kills so I start to use that, in an effort to avoid actual slaughter. Further into the tunnels we meet another Noble, an Ido. Hold on, he's the man I beat in the Proving yesterday, the man I gave the winners helmet to.

Yet he isn't wearing the helmet. Damn Him.

He tells me that the way up ahead, the way we need to go, is filled with Genlocks. Great, more mindless slaughter. However, I know a trick or two to fool the stupid beasts. As we approach I start sneaking and tell my compatriots to stay back. Not out of concern mind you, I don't want them to run forward and set off all the traps I'm disarming. I then carefully and painstakingly sneak up on the Genlocks.

Sneaky Little Bastards

The problem with facing Genlocks is that despite having an IQ the same as 12 gym teachers, 12, they are cunning. As such I failed to notice the rigged exploding barrel next to me, which promptly explodes, alerting them to my presence. I quickly call my soldiers over who deal with the main threats quickly enough, and my arrows drop the last one. We loot the corpses and find a weird number of Lyrium (see Mana) potions. Even on some of the dwarf corpses we found these potions. Why would dwarves, who cannot be mages. Require a potion that replenishes Mana, the mages power. Never mind, I need to find that shield. We continue down the tunnel and find the scout Lord Harrowmount mentioned in the briefing. He tells us some shocking news. There are genlocks in the tunnels ahead.

What was your first hint?

So off we go to another mindless slaughter of Gen... wait, why are they all dead. Oh dear. This is not good. While I do not mourn the loss of Genlocks it seems that someone has got to the door before us. My suspicions are confirmed when Gorim explains this.

Great, what next. Lions, tigers. bears?

Oh my, this isn't going well. We tentatively head forward, watching every corner for traps and ambushes. I start to sneak in preparation of an attack, we pass more genlock bodies and a few more lyrium potion filled dwarf corpses that still continue to baffle us.

Seriously by this stage I have around 30 lyrium potions that I cannot use in any way, shape or form.

It only after we have gotten to the lost Thaig of Aeducan, the resting place of the shield, do we meet the mercenaries. I approach to captain intent on giving him a piece of my mind and then I see his moustache. This is not a good man. No, this is an evil man.

The moustache is power.

Turns out my moustache observance is correct. The captain promptly tries to murder us after I make a joke about his mother in an effort to defuse the situation. Luckily I am fast an quickly put the other three between me and the bad men. During this time, while I am peppering the mercenaries with arrows, Ido is slamming his shield into a mans face and the scout is getting a sword up the arse. Gorim goes berserk.

Right through the heart.

Okay, once again I think I need to explain why this game is so awesome. Finishing Moves. That screenshot above is one. You see every now and then, I have yet to find the exact trigger, your character, or a character in melee combat, goes a tiny bit nuts and does something awesome. This could be a decapitation, start to climb up the chest of an ogre using nothing but two daggers. Or in the case above, shove your sword into the guys heart and slam your shield into his face. This is the level of commitment that Bioware gave its combat, and I love it. I will try and show you as many of the moves as I can. Some really can't be photographed. For example, the first screenshot of this adventure is one, he just starts slashing into the guy. None the less we will persevere, any way back to the fight...

Oh, its over.

After we have murdered the mercenaries I search the Captains corpse and do indeed find a Aeducan signet ring. This doesn't necessarily mean it was Trian who sent these men after us, but it does make him a contender. Still we head into the Thaig and search for the shield. Inside we find a sarcophagus yet we can't open it. Until Gorim, in a moment of blessed stupidity, steps on a trigger stone. Ah, I see its a logic puzzle.

Less logic puzzle, more spot the difference

To give Bioware credit, this is the simplest of their puzzles. They don't show up often, but every now and then, you may need to solve riddles or get one person across a transparent bridge using the other three to work buttons. They are quite clever and difficult. Anyway, back to getting ambushed.

Upon leaving the Thaig we meet more Genlock, one of which is an supposed Alpha Genlock and look, he's brought his puppy along. While the other three take care of the puppy, I swiftly take down the other four genlocks and then the Alpha with my bow. While the others stand in awe of my marksmen ship, I load a catapult and blow a hole in the wall to allow out escape. On the way out we meet Deep Stalkers. While the other three start chopping their heads off and I'm making them into quill holders, I feel something strange a holy light fills me with glee. I feel stronger and better.

The fist and only time you will see me level up.

The only reason I put this here is because the animation is awesome, that and in every other RPG I play, I always am astonished at the fact that I have leveled up, there is no fan fair, its like the game goes, "Oh you leveled up. Meh". In Bioware games, there is a mass fan fair, music goes off and your character explodes into holy light.

We continue you on, Gorim mentions that up ahead would be a perfect spot for an ambush. I assure him, that Trian is an honourable person. I'm the rogue of the family. That's when we hear the strangled cries of someone getting stabbed in the back. Great, how could this get any worse?

Ah. Well...There is that.

Trian's dead. Wait, wasn't Trian coming to kill me, who would do this? I am so confused, luckily here comes my brother and father to explain the situation, It turns out I have killed Trian because I was jealous, which makes sense because I was always ... WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY? My Father turns to the Scout, at least he will tell the truth about me. The scout promptly turns around and says that I walked up to Trian and stabbed him in the back. I am gobbed smacked. That lying little... no, no, must not lose my cool. Its okay Ido will tell the truth, I mean he won't lie, he's a warrior, their noble and ...

Oh you have got to be kidding me.

Turns out Behlen has Ido in his pocket as well. And after I gave him that sweet helmet as well. I can only stammer my innocence as they take me to the dungeon. I am incensed, how did this happen. Oh well, its not the first time I have been in chains. Unfortunately there are no women this time, in fact there isn't anybody. This isn't good. I'm going to murder Behlen.

Just don't drop the soap.

That's it for today folks. How will Charles get out of this, Will Gorim survive, Will Behlen become king, and will Robin boy wonder survive. Find out next time.

And so it begins

2010-12-04T11:52:00.000+11:00

Time to start anew properly, Sole Reader. But first, a disclaimer. What I am about to do to this game is a massive injustice. There is no way I can capture the immense work that has gone into the dialogue, setting, atmosphere and detail of this game. I can only try and show you the small part of it in the worst possible way. Well with that out the way, let's continue with the Chronicles of Charles. After character creation there is a little cut scene explaining where the hell you are, the dwarf capital Orzammar, who the are, son of the King Aeducan, and what is going on, gladiator tournaments and an attack on Darkspawn central, more on that later. So here we go, once again, I try to do this in first person, with the occasional commentary from me.

I am Charles, Second Son of the King of the Dwaves, The Great King Endrin. My brothers are Trian and Behlen and are both mighty warriors, I follow a different path, I much prefer the shadows to my brothers. Regardless I have been promoted to Commander for House Aeducan, a great honor. So great in fact, that a Proving is being held in my honor. So naturally, in order to show up my brothers, I will join the Proving. I take my faithful bodyguard and long time friend Gorim with me. However, just because I have no time for petty politics, does not mean I am above them, as such, outside we I find a minor noble and a respected scholar arguing. I am required to intervene.

Okay, not really, but still look at the guy. He's evil

Turns out the scholars book has offended this Lord's house. So quite naturally to dwarf nature, he is going to kill the scholar. This is abhorrent. So I ask what has been printed, the Lord tells me that the scholar has printed lies about his Paragon's vote.

Okay, So I better explain this here because this is general dwarf knowledge. When a dwarf does something truly great for all dwarf kind, he is appointed a Paragon, he becomes all a dwarf can be. An icon. Paragon Aeducan was made a Paragon because he defended Orzammar with a zealots passion, this Lord's Paragon was made a Paragon by some unconventional means, the vote that made him a Paragon is mired in rumors of threats and bribery. From now on, this is the sort of behaviour I'm going to attempt. The greater picture view of things as such these next actions are totally excusable.

Ah, A Paragon dispute. Lovely, these things never turn out well. I try to reason with the Lord, tell him that its the truth that matters, not his own pride. He ignores me, I continue to try various tactics, but this man does not budge. Unfortunately there is only one outcome to this now. I tell Gorim to arrange for the Lord's death, and let all who know why he died.

The man's beard wasn't nearly long enough

Anyway, I continue down the street towards stopping at the local brothel to organise some night time entertainment for me a Gorim

Not joking here there are two eager dwarf ladies awaiting you just next door, I love Bioware's commitment to these games.

And received a enchanted dagger from the local arms merchant and after which I sold several items I stole from my brothers chamber and his mistress. I arrive at the Provings. The organiser is honored by my appearance and is ready not announce me overlooking the proceedings. Which is true of sorts, I will be overlooking the proceedings. From the centre of the arena. He is astonished only for a moment. Then allows me to enter. The first man I fight is little more than a boy and dies within three strikes of my blade. The next competitor is a girl.

Think this harms my chances of sleeping with her

This women puts up more of a fight than the boy before. We trade blows, she attempts to get behind me after kneeing me in my gentleman's area. Luckily I have taken many a blow to that area from insulted women, so I shrug it off quickly and promptly place by longsword into her nape. She falls, but it is this next bout that will truly test my abilities as a warrior. He is a veteran of the Deep Roads, the darkspawn (see orks) filled cavern. He never fights the same way twice, with the same weapon or the same tactic. Damn, well I have fought against men with shields, men holding two great sword in each hand. So long as he isn't using a war hammer I shall prevail.

The hammer is bigger than he is.

Ah. Okay, still I have a dagger full of lightning and that has to count for something. Our fight goes down in the annuals of the Paragons, I am able to deflect his hammer with my dagger o' lightning and get in a few good hits with my long sword, it changes tactics and sweeps my legs out from under me, knocking me to the floor. But once again, this is nothing compared to the hells I have endured at the hands of my brothers, so I recover quickly and try a daring move. I knee him in his ancestors grace and run behind him and shove my lightning dagger into his spine. I am exhausted. But I have one more fight. Against another veteran. At least its not another war hammer. But he still knows a trick or two. So our fight becomes a straight out slugging much, who can endure the most torture. He is a veteran of countless fights. I am a veteran of my brothers tortures and the torture at the hands of a thousand dwarven women. Naturally I win.

Stabby, Stabby

the throne room to be presented to the council. So I go there next. but before I get to father, I am sidetracked by Lord Dace.

What's with all the short beards. I want beards that touch the floor, dammit

Before I get promoted to Commander of the House, I am told that the council will ask me questions. All Lord Dace wants from me is his support to bring home the top-side dwarfs. I tell him yes and Lord Dace walks off. With his back turned I flip him the bird. I know full well that the only reason Lord Dace wants the surface dwellers back is so he can pay off his debts he owes due to a failed expedition. While thinking of how best to humiliate Lord Dace, I am interrupted from my plotting by a Grey Warden, (See Jedi's in all but force powers) this is unusual.

Okay, the beards too short but still, how badass is he.

Once again a little background information here. Grey Wardens are the sole fighting force in the land with the sole mission of destroying the darkspawn. Look, Bioware have been making the same game since the start. Replace the Wardens with Jedi's and the Darkspawn with Storm troopers and you have Star Wars. replace them with Rangers and Orks, you have Lord Of The Rings. Its not originally, but the Wardens are by far and away, the single most Bad Ass creation yet, for reasons that will become apparent as we go along.

So I am presented to the Council and Lord Dace asks me weather the Surface Dwellers should be returned their rights. I tell him that they live on the surface for a reason, so no, they should not be returned their rights. After the ceremony I am sent to find Trian, and after going "Na, Na Na Na" in Dace's face I meet Trian in his chambers. He promptly goes off to kiss Father's arse, then Behlen tells me that Trian is going to kill me.

Wait, what?

Trian believes me a threat. So he has decided to kill me. At least that is what Behlen believes. I tell him that is impossible and refuse to discuss it more. I return to the chamber to where the beautiful women are that I had organised before hand await me. In the morning we all head down to the enterance of the Deep Roads.

Again, the hamemr is bigger than the man wielding it

Each are given their own orders. The wardens are going far into the Deep Roads looking for signs of an archdemon, what ever that is. Trian is leading the main attack. They go off. Lord Harrowmount then gives me a vital task. Secure the Shield Of Aeducan, the sheild that Paragon Aeducan used to defend Orzammar. The greatest of honors. When I do this, my deeds will finally over shadow Trian. Let's go.

Oh Yeah

Next Time Folks: A Brothers Betrayal.

A New Story, A New Hero

2010-12-03T11:06:00.000+11:00

Here we go again, dear Sole Reader, I shall attempt to destroy one of my favourite computer games reputation by writing about all I do in it. So in preparation for this I went through my stupidly immense game collection to find an appropriate game. Sine the Fallout Sage, I have tired of all this exploding, bang bang, action packed RPG. I want a simple role playing game. One where there are elves, dwarves and evil humans. I want to be part of an epic struggle between good and evil. I want fantasy brothels! Wait, I got it.

Nice blood splatter

First off, Yes, there are brothels in this game, I wasn't making that up. Secondly, I have something to say to Bioware. Fuck You. Seriously, that screenshot above, took one god damn hour to take. You see with Fallout New Vegas, when I press Print Screen, the computer automatically saves the screenshot in a specific folder. Not so with any other game I have. I now have to use third party support. So with that in mind, Get FRAPS, its awesome. Anyone now to the game.

Dragon Age is a fairly simple RPG in terms of character creation. You chose either elf, dwarf or human. So twats, drunken awesomeness or normal people. So dwarfs it is. Now class, again very simple, warrior, rouge or mage. Since a dwarven mage would be too awesome for the game to handle, it doesn't let you play as one. So I guess I'll go a rouge. Now it get a little complex, you see the whole Origins part of the title is that when you select your character you get a unique starting area, for Dwarfs this means you run around the Dwaven Capital doing odd jobs. However, depending on your origins depends on how it goes and it also impacts on your adventure through the story. I'm going the Noble path because a Dwarven Slum born rouge seems a bit Cliche. After selecting your characters origin and class you then get to set how he looks, the standard sliders are there, as well as changing your voice. The voice bit is a bit weird because your character never speaks, there is dialogue between your character and other characters, it is a Bioware game after all, but no words are ever spoken. So after giving my character the biggest beard possible, mass stubble and think bushy eye brows, I need to choose a name.

According to my communications lecturer. a name cements something. A cat is a cat because we call it a cat, a cat can't be a table, because we call a table a table. Get it, yeah I didn't either. Point remains, I name is everything. I plan on playing the charming rogue, you know, the sweet talking thief. So my name must be classy, it must say "I am cool". Got it Charles. I can't choose my last name, the game does this because everyone from now on will call me Lord Audecan. Then comes the mandatory allocation of skill points and then choosing your skills. There are three types of skills, class skills and talents and weapon skills. As you would imagine, the class skills are class specific, Warriors have access to tanking skills and the like, where as rogues have access to lock picking and stealth. Except mages, both rogues and warriors have access to some type of weapon skills, be it archery or sword and shield. The talents are the important ones. They tend to impact the rest of the world. For example coercion allows you to convince people not to start murdering you poison making allows you to create bombs and poison and there is also combat training that help improve your combat skills. I always points into coercion. Then into stealth and lock picking. That's it, we're done. Charles the smooth talking noblemen rogue is ready to save the world and seduce as many humans as possible.

Yeah, the quality kinda sucks. But still at least its something.

Next Time: The Chronicles of Charles begin

That's It, It's Over.

2010-12-02T10:44:00.000+11:00

Hooray! This is it Sole Reader, the last Preacher Tale. Today we see the Preacher finally go nuts, no more holding back, no more petty things like morals. Just plain murder and explosions. I'm am not going to finish the game today, no, you have to play yourself to see how it ends. The reason I'm ending it today is that I have played ninety god damn hours on Fallout: New Vegas, and quite frankly, the Preacher is getting a chore to write about, so without further ado, and much less fuss. Let's murder The Preacher.

The Great False Prophet Caesar, is dying from a brain tumor. I shall help hasten the process. I have given up hope on ever finding the True Prophet. So while Caesar sleeps. I cut out his medulla oblongata, the brains control centre. I then, just for good measure, stick a scalpel right between the two hemisphere.

After assuring his second in command that it was a complete accident. I then have only one thing left to do. Murder the president of the NCR. I leave for Hoover Dam. Upon arriving I send Lily back to Jacobstown, I do not expect to survive this.

The Preacher Has a teary goodbye

I walk down to the Dam. Once there I look for away to cause as much damage as possible.

Okay, while I may be sick of this game, this one quest never gets old. It only shows up in the Caesars Legion path and there are about 12 different ways to kill the president. The easiest is just to straight out shoot him when he arrives, boring. Blow up his vertibird when he arrives, while interesting you need a impractically large gun so that's out. Another option is to place C4 in a soldiers helmet who is being awarded, and while this does cause enough enough we used all the C4 in the bunker, well that just leaves blowing up the entire stage with the Howitzer that's placed conveniently behind the stage.

Bet you thought I was joking

With that done, I leave to find a new place in life. My first port of call is Jacobstown, to live with the love of my life Lily. But unfortunately Me and the Bighorns did not see eye to eye.

Guess Whats For Dinner

I then returned to the place of my Resurrection, and became caretaker of the graveyard there.

Two weeks later, they still haven't decomposed

But that reminded me too much of my previous calling. So I left, I rejoined Caesars Legion as there Leader.

Don't do this unless Caesars dead, they get mad at you.

I finally tried to etch out a life in the Vault of the First False Prophet, Cooke. But my demons still haunted me their.

To be fair, look at the decor, who wouldn't want to haunt this place

I give up. I head back to Primm, to the roller coaster there.

Come on, you knew this was coming

I leave my final words here. "Let all who pass this town know this. The Last Preacher of The Great Dane Marmaduke, rests here. Let all who pass remember my name, Chuckles"

I actually survived the first jump

THAT IT! He is dead. No more Preacher, No More Pointless Prophets. So Sole Reader, join me, Wolf, next time for the start of another bloody pointless adventure.

So I leave you with this Screenshot, as a final parting of the Preacher

Wolf

Schlepping across the waste

2010-12-01T19:44:00.000+11:00

We are nearly there Sole Reader, we are nearly at the end of this long, bloody, pointless piece of crap adventure I call Preacher Tales. Today we walk all over the wastes in order to please Caesar. Just a disclaimer, I have skipped a fair amount of the quest in this line here, they are simply either fetch quests, or require you to go to stupidly far away places in order to complete them. Nothing really interesting. So let's finish this, or at least, begin to finish this.

I, the Preaching Wanderer of the Wastes, have solved all my ammo problems. I leave Camp McCarran by flipping them the bird and head to the Strip to do what I should have done in the first place, murder Mr. House. I arrive at his casino, the Lucky 38. It's the biggest building on the Strip.

Somebody is over compensating for something.

We enter the Casino and are immediately come under attack by robots. Lily cuts them in half with ease.

Seriously, for these quests, get Lily. She is a beast in close combat.

We go upstairs, and meet more robots. Once again Lily and I start killing robots, however in this haze of battle, headlight fluid and motor oil, I see House's wife, Jane. I fight my way pass two robots in order to get to her. We start trading blows, her metallic body protects her from most of my attacks.

She's a robot. That would be awkward in bed.

After all the robots are dead we activate Houses secret console, cunningly disguised as a computer console. Murder two more robots, and then down the elevator to House. Inside all I see is a glass dome of sorts. I see no robots, no mustachioed man with a bad haircut, nothing just a glass dome and a computer console. I activate the console. Suddenly the glass dome starts to rumble and smoke rises from the dome. Inside is House.

...

I murder him without saying anything. I then throw up. I leave the Casino and go back to Caesar, who tells me to go to the Boomers. The Boomers are a xenophobic tribe who haven't left Nellis Air force base since they settled there. Okay, who bad could this be. Lily and I head North-East towards the Air Base. On the way there we meet a gambler. He tells me that the Boomers will attack anyone who come near, he offers me a bet. Go there are back, and he will give me 600 caps. I agree, I mean how bad could these Boomers be.

The above screenshots took place 5 minutes apart. Turns out the Boomers bomb the crap out of anyone who comes within 1 kilometre.

Lily and I get to the main gate, the guard insults us. I am enraged by what this tribe has done. They are a bunch of heretics. They take me to Pearl, the leader of the Boomers, and leave me alone with her. I tell her two very simple words "Fuck. You"

Damn You Old Women.

I murder the entire Boomer tribe. I return to Caesar he is pleased with my work.

There is another way to complete this, you go around doing odd jobs for the Boomers until they trust you enough to accept Caesars invite

Caesar then tells me to go to the Strip and make an alliance with the White Glove Society. I leave at once, arriving at The Strip and head immediately to the White Gloves casino, where I am told to go screw myself. Turns out they want nothing do to with Caesar. I plant the remainder of my C4 underneath the leader and walk out blasting her to giblets.

Again there is another way, but its basically go talk to this guy, then this guy, then wait until after this time.

Caesar is displeased with me. But he is willing to forgive me, provided I blow up the Brotherhood of Steel. I do so willingly. I head to Hidden Valley, wiping out the town of Sloan on the way. Upon arriving, Lily and I search the various bunkers for the Brotherhood. Until...

Imagine what it's like taking a piss in one of those.

I murder them senselessly. I fight my way down. Well, when I say fight, I mean Lily slices and dices her way down to the lower floor, I then hack the reactor terminal, and we leave. The bunker explodes behind us. Once again we return to Caesar, he is just about to give us our next mission when he cries out in pain. Turns out he is having a seizure. I am in awe. Prophets do not have seizure, nothing short of the hand of the Dane can stop them. He is a false prophet. The heathen invites me into his tent

Yeah, I know, I've used the False Prophet too many times. Meh, its the second last adventure

He tells me to heal him. I will, I will cure this heathen on his life. So my course is set. I will murder Caesar.

Next Time: That's it, It's Done, No More Preacher, I Hope

Preacher, The Bounty Hunter

2010-11-30T20:37:00.000+11:00

Hello, dear dear, Sole Reader. Sorry about not enlightening you about the Preacher's adventure yesterday, I was too busy failing uni and falling my driving test. Its all good though. So let us continue today's adventure. When we last left the Preacher, he was standing in Camp McCarran having just realised he left Lily at the Fort. Today The Preacher becomes the NCR's bitch. So, shall we?

I, The Great Dane Marmaduke's personal ~~masseuse~~ Preacher, am I a world of hurt. I have left the love of my life back at the Fort while I go gallivanting around blowing up trains. I rush back to apologise. But first.

What everyman does when his girlfriend is pissed at him.

After the gladiator fight, I return to Lily and start to launch into a lengthy and epic tale of why I left her here, the dangers that I faced and why she couldn't come. All she says to me is that Leo is not angry. That's...good...yes, good. On the way out of the Fort, I come to realise I have a bigger problem. Requiem is running low on ammo. But this is still a minor problem. I drop by the Gun Runners. Who promptly tell me to pay 20 caps per bullet. I can only buy 10 bullets. This is a problem. I mean I need bullets, my love Lily has a sword, but I was never proficient enough with the thrice damned things. There is only one place I can get enough caps for the ammo I require. I swallow my pride and head back to Camp McCarran.

I have nothing more to add

The old man tells me to murder some drug addicts and bring back their heads. This is my kind of work. I set off skipping towards the heathen fiends known as ... The Fiends, huh, the heretics really need to hire someone else to name things. I a group almost straight away, but before I can even draw my gun. Lily has turned them into organs. I am amazed, she is more than I could have ever imagined. We walk on, slay as we go. We find one of the heathen drug addicts in some ruins. All we know is his name. Cook-Cook. I wonder why they call ... BY THE DANE HE'S SET LILY ON FIRE! I immediately become enraged, blowing off each of his extremities. Only afterwards realising what an immense waste of ammo this was.

Hey, we all do crazy things for love. Sole Reader

So after ripping his head off, the slightly charred Lily and I continue on until we manage to find the place of Violet. A caravan park. Never let it be said that the Fiends are not classy. Lily and I approach, all we know about Violet is that she has dogs, but how many dogs could on women really have?

12. Thats 12 Dogs. Ha Ha Ha.

The fight soon devolves into a frantic brawl. In the midst of all this I see Lily go insane. She starts slaying dogs left right and centre and then goes after Violet while shouting at Leo to shut up. I am stunned, I can't even slaying the dogs anymore. I am in awe of her. She slays Violet with out pause. I walk up to her and say three words "What. The. Fuck?" Lily just starts to ramble on about Leo again.

Okay, I think this needs some explaining here because the Preacher isn't going find out this for awhile. But Lily is skizophrenic. When her health goes below 50%, she goes nuts and starts slaying people. There is a quest to fix this. But seriously, do you want a sane Nightkin on your team?

I decide not to press the issue of Lily mental snap. Instead I head back to Camp McCarran to hand in my heads. With that done I go to the local snipers tent to conscript them into helping me fight the last man, Driver Nephi. The plan is for Lily and I to be bait, while the others wait nearby, when Nephi comes out, The snipers murder him. Simple. So long as Lily behaves and doesn't try to cut Nephi's head off.

No, Lily. Do Not Cut His Head Off

Fortunatley one of the snipers tries to stop Lily midswipe. Unfortunatley when measured against Lily's sword, the snipers armour is nothing but cheese to her hot sword. This quite understandably, annoys the other snipers, who instead of trying to murder Nephi, tries to murder us. In the end, Lily kills the fiends, and I murder the entire squad of snipers. I get paid my caps. Put I do not buy ammo. For I have found an even better, and more common, weapon. One of the snipers has a custom cowboy repeater. It is now mine.

Oh, yea

Yes, Sole Reader, I know that I have gone through two weapons in as many adventures, however, I try to guide the Preacher towards such good weapons, be it the .44 magnum of this adventure, of the Cooke's shotgun. That being said, I completely forgot about La Longue Carbine, otherwise I would have grabbed this instead of getting the .44. Besides, Preachers are meant to have rifles, not pistols.

Next Time Folks: Render Unto Caesar by murdering people.

Sabotage and Jailbreaks.

2010-11-28T20:10:00.000+11:00

Ah, Sole Reader, its another day, so that means its time for another tale from the Preacher, the evil follower of Marmaduke, the Great Dane. Yesterday he finally met the true Prophet of the Great Dane, the mighty Caesar. Who gave him a quest to blow up a bunker underneath the Caesars Fort. After doing this, the Preacher found out that an NCR officer was really working for the Legion and was promptly dispatched to help him. Today we see the fruits of the Preachers labour, and help out a Legionnaire in need and naturally, blow many things up. So lets descend as always into madness and debauchery.

I, the Preacher of The Greatest Dane in all the Nine Heavens, have been assigned a holy task. I must head to Camp McCarran to assist a undercover agent in his mission. But before I can enter the Camp, located in an abandoned airport. I am confronted by another of those heathen NCR Rangers. Who tells me that the NCR are happy with my current with my current actions and wish to reward me.

In the words of the Great Dane "Aroo?"

I pause and wait for the punchline, but there serious. They are actually happy with me, the man who immolated an entire base full of the heathens. Me, the man who wiped out an entire camp for the sake of some necklaces. They are happy for the fact that because of me, they have lost a key camp along the river. I knew that the NCR were full of drunkards and neanderthals, but this is ridiculous.

I think an explanation is required here. You see, to put it nicely, Fallout New Vegas has more bugs up the arse than a twenty year old corpse. So every now and then the game will crash, people will start spouting gibberish, and the reputation system will go all stupid loopy. What this means is that now the NCR accept me. I don't know why. I don't know how. I don't really care.

He gives me a radio and says use this to call for NCR reinforcements. I'm gobbed smacked. I stand their rooted to the spot for a few minutes wondering what the hell happened to the world. After snapping back to reality I head inside and find Curtis and say ever so subtly. That I know where his allegiances really lie.

Did I say subtle. I meant I shouted it out for all to hear

He explains to me the situation. He wants to blow up the monorail, to stop the NCR resupplying their base at the Strip. I can only oblige. He tells me to offer my services to the local commander, Captain Hsu, and offer to find the information leak. We will then pin it on someone else. So I head off and tell Hsu that I'm his man, and then go off to destroy some poor heathens day. On the way I meet the bases Quartermaster, who gives me an errand or two to run. I tell him that I'll do it later, I have more important things to do. I go outside and meet Private Crenshaw. He is the bases local prankster, and I admire that, I am not above the occasional prank myself. For instance, I just pulled the pin out of someones grenade.

Sure the game has bugs. But this is why I love it.

He goes boom. Not the biggest boom I have created, but none the less, by far the funniest. On my way to the Monorail, I stop by Crenshaw's locker and plant some incriminating evidence. Curtis had explain to me that the guards are changed at 9:00 and 18:00 hours. But I have a better plan. I put on my old disguise, the NCR Ranger uniform, and walk through the front doors, boasting loudly about the decadent acts I have committed today.

So, how 'bout them Yanks.

I walk in a place the bomb on the monorail. I am rewarded by the beautiful sound of a train exploding. I head back to Hsu telling him all about Crenshaws betrayal, and then return to Curtis to tell him the good news. I am on my way back to the Caesar, when I hear something very disquieting. Apparently the NCR have captured a Legion Centurion. I must help him, or at the very least. Stop him from telling the heathens that I am a legion operative. The NCR solider in charge to the torture and me take turns in double teaming the Centurion. During one of these sessions I slip the Centurion a silenced pistol. He blows the head off the guard and steals his uniform.

How did that happen?

I feel good. I have sabotage the NCR efforts, help a legion soldier. Even if I didn't get to wipe out the base. I still can go home happy. I feel like I can fly.

Maybe I can steal that plane

Wow, That worked out well, I mean. No loose ends. It all worked out in a nice little .... OH CRAP! I left Lily at the Fort!
Next Time dearies: Errand boy, And I am so sorry Lily

The Prophet's Quest, Again.

2010-11-27T20:44:00.000+11:00

Ah Dear Sole Reader, hello again on this wonderful election day. Incidental, do a donkey vote. Its your right. But back to more important matters. Today's Preacher Tale. Yesterday we saw the Preacher recuperate after being nearly killed by the Hand of the Dane and then his exploding loins, we also saw the disturbing choice the Preacher has in women, he once again lost our main weapon. To be replaced by a revolver, here named Requiem Of The Dane. Today, we meet the Prophet, again, and do some odd jobs he needs doing, again.

I, The Grand Preacher Of Marmaduke, have healed. I attempt to leave Jacobstown, the ski lodge run by super mutants, but am blocked by the Leader of this band of mutants, Marcus.

By the Dane your ugly.

He tells me that a band of mercenaries have blockaded the entrance to Jacobstown, he asks me to get rid of them. Preferably without killing them. Apparently this is one of those pacifist mutants, you know, one of those things babies suck on.

I'm sorry

I leave the lodge with Lily in tow. There are five mercenaries, in a single line. I could wipe them out with Requiem. But, no, I'll go the weak option, just to help and because I feel sorry for this guy.

Really, balding and a goatee. This guy is Ugly.

He agrees to leave, I tell Marcus, he's an idiot and then head to Cottonwood Cove. Lily, Shade of My Heart, agrees to go with me. Once there, I sell the dog tags I collected to Phoenix and then head up river. My belongings are confiscated, but I manage to hide some C4 and the detonator in the usual place. At the top, I see an arena where people are fighting. The man outside says I am allowed to fight, I immediately take him up on his offer. He places me against two captured slaves. That's not exactly what the battle of epics are made of, but still, our fight is at least mildly entertaining.

The First Rule of Fight Club. You Do Not Talk About Fight Club, and use Machetes.

After dispatching the slaves, I go up to meet the Prophet. He is almighty. Unfortunately, Lily is required to stay outside, so she is unable to see his awesomeness. He has his own grand guard, and he uses a shock paddle to enforce discipline. I bow to his mightiness.

Disobedience will be meet with Shock Paddling

He has heard of my deeds and is impressed with the scale of them. He gives me a quest of monumental importance. I am to destroy Mr. House's bunker underneath the Great Caesars Fort. I shall do this. I head off to the back of the base where the entrance to the bunker is. Upon entering my weapons are given back to me and I head down stairs, only to be met by a curious sight.

Wow, all the avatars in the world, and you choose that one?

So this is the great Mr. House. He tells me that what I should do is not destroy this place but in actual fact, use the Platinum Poker Chip to upgrade the securitrons. I tell him to go suck a bone. I head down stairs and fight my way past several automated defences and make it down to the lower levels where the reactor is. On my travels I have collected a vast number of guns, axes and swords, but the only explosives I have is The Great Dane's Loin Grenades, of which there is now only one, and some C4. So I place the C4 on the Reactors and set it off. There is a reason you are given a detonator with the C4, its because if you on the same continent as it when it goes off, you are screwed. Today is no exception. The C4 goes off, and I leg it.

Oh Crap, Oh Crap, Oh Crap

I make it out of the bunker, just as it implodes behind me, Lily tells me that it was all Leos doing, who ever that is. I return to Caesar who rewards my service. It is here that one of the Prophets underlings, the same man I met at Nipton, gives me a vital rescue mission.

He needs is fox hat

Turns out that one of the Legion informers is under threat, so I am dispatched to save her. I travel once again to the Strip. Lily starts to talk about Leo again and how he and her once lived around here. The shade of my heart is sometimes quite insane. I arrive at the Hotel called Vault 22, and it is actually a real
Vault. I head downstairs and find that the men sent to kill the informant are there already about to kill her. I walk up to them and remind them that this lady is under Legion protection and if they don't leave, I shall leave them to Lily.

Run away little man

After they leave, the informant tells me that she works for a Captain at Camp McCarren, wait that's an NCR base. Amazingly shes a double agent, helping the Legion from the inside, and passing on information. I go back to Vulpes but on the way stop for another gladiator match. This time against a captured NCR Captain, he puts up less of a fight than the two slaves did.

Second Rule of Fight Club: Always Use Machetes

I return to Vulpes and tell him that nobody shall harm the informant, and that she was working for the NCR. Vulpes already knows this. It turns out that he and the NCR captain are old friends. Vulpes then sends me to help him.

Well How Bout That

Next Time Dearies: Sabotage, murder and big booms.

A Snow Vaction... With Murder

2010-11-26T17:05:00.000+11:00

And so, Sole Reader, we once again arrive at that time where the collective IQ of this planet drop two more points by following The Preacher, holy man of the Dane. Yesterday we saw him murder Benny after blasting his way into the New Vegas Strip. Gravely wounded, he headed north west to find a ski resort run by super mutants. Today we see that not all mutants are bad, we pick up a follower, and we once again lose a dear weapon of the Preachers. We continue the adventure with the Preacher fainting.

I, The First and Only Preacher of the Barbaric Wasteland Known As America, have collapsed due to a collapsed lung, a severed arm and a sore toe. I once again start to flash back. But am pulled back before I can remember anything significant, thank the Dane. I wake up in an infirmary of some sort. I am once again naked. Luckily, my robes are folded on the bed next to me. I pull them on, and search for my weapon and find it on the table. Broken. I bow my head in respect for a friend. Luckily Phillip, my fire axe, is still sharp and in a box I find pistol with some ammo.

Requiem For A Friend.

Okay, I know what your thinking, Sole Reader. Thanks to the fact I have telekinetic powers. Why am I going through so many weapons. This is quite obvious to those who play RPG's on a regular basis, but I try to write for the layman. There comes a point and time in the game where the weapon you have will not stop anything. So every now and then you need to pick up a new gun. First was the Lever-action shotgun which failed to stop Geckos, and before this we met some giant mantis', when we tried to blow them away, the riot shotgun failed. So we need a new gun. Relax, its not the 10mm I'll be using this adventure.

After grieving slightly, I turn around to see the doctor who has been standing their for twenty minutes staring at me.

What's Up Doc

He is a scientist, and seeing as he fixed me up, I owe him. So I ask if he needs help. He requires someone to go into a cave to find out my nightstalkers have had some weird mutation. So with out further ado I set off. However, on my way out, I see an angel. She is perfect. Curves in all the right places, the greatest skin I have ever seen. Great hair, beautiful teeth and wonderful clothes. She is...

One fine piece of ass

Through out the game, you can recruit NPC followers to assist you in battle. All in all, there are 8 permanent ones, each giving you a cool perk, Lily's gives you better stealth boys, and assisting you in battle. The only reason I have chosen Lily is that all there other followers, with the exception of the Dog and the Robot, will go hostile on all Legion soldiers.

I ask if she wants to go with me to kill nightstalkers. She agrees. I haven't been this excited since my 2nd wife's funeral. Off we go. But, as with the Legion, the NCR, and what seems to be the large part of my life recently. We face a complication of the bestial variety.

Worst. Bug. Ever

Cazadors are by far the worst things I have encountered on my travels. Even worst than the deathclaws. Still, they fall to Lily's sword and the casual pew pew pew of my pistol. We reach the cave entrance. Inside, we see neither hide nor hair of any night stalkers. Continuing down, we still see no wildlife. But just when I that the Doctor was wrong, I am attack by nothing. Not in the literal sense, but my leg is suddenly gashed open by thin air. I'm stunned. What in the Name of the Great Dane is going on? Then I see a shimmer. No...no... It can't be...

Invisible Nightstalkers.

It's at this point we find a cracked stealth boy. To a man with my awesome intellect this tells me all I need to know. The stealth boy has leaked radiation, turn the Nightstalkers innocent. Lily and I head back to the Doc, and tell him what has happened. He thanks me. He then asks me if he can borrow Lily. I am, of course, suspicious. But he tells me that he wants run a stealth boy test on her. I hesitantly agree, only because she is so determined to help. He puts the Stealth Boy Mk II on her, she then disappears.

This is actually quite funny, when Lily puts on the Stealth Boy, she has a hulk-like transformation, and starts saying things like "Lily Want Smash" and "Lily Like Stealth"

Where's Waldo

She comes through the procedure admirably. I leave her to recuperate. I head outside, but wait, whats that on the table. Next to the snow globe. Wait, Snow globe?

Yeah, Snow Globe.

Yes, that might work. Its not a shotgun, but then again, they have been rather lacking recently. So I guess the only question is: Do You Feel Lucky Punk?

Well Do Ya?

Next Time tid-a-lee dinks: We're off to see the Prophet (For Real This Time)

And yes I am sorry for the Dirty Harry Reference

Hand Of The Dane, Part 2

2010-11-25T17:25:00.000+11:00

Howdy Sole Reader. Time to finish what we started yesterday, shall we find all out all the answers to the questions I asked myself yesterday. This is not lost, all questions shall be answered. Always. Yesterday we saw the Preacher, Insane man of the Great Dane Marmaduke, get blasted by a beam of light from the sky, the hand of the Dane. Today we find out if he survives and the aftermath of getting blasted by Holy Light.

I, the Preacher of Marmaduke, am dead. The Great Dane has sent down a holy beam to smite me. I see my life flash before me. I see myself as a child, playing on the streets with the other children, my mother yelling at me to come in for dinner. Beating up the children for their toys, a habit I never really got over. I skip through to my 12th birthday. My parents have thrown me a party, all my friends are their. I am bored. So I set my mothers hair on fire. She berates me then locks me in a suitcase for the rest of the night. Another skip forward. Its my 18th birthday, my parents have let me out of the basement for today only. They seem to believe that I am dangerous. They are right. While there backs are turned I grab the knife and stab them. I steal their caps and hit the road. I am now 21. My first meeting with the Great Dane. After a night of Whiskey and Turbo I settle down to sleep. He arrives in my dreams and tells me the truth of the World. I go forth to spread the word. Another jump. I'm now 30. I meet a wise women, she tells about the coming of the Prophet.

"He shall have a loyal follower, and Redeem the land of vice and sin, He shall have weapons gifted to him by the Great Dane himself and where he treads he shall death follow. He will face three challenges. The beasts, the false followers and the choice"
\
Yes Sole Reader, I realise that a prophecy is in nearly every god damn story these and its a bloody cliche. But at least this way, I can keep things consistent and not go off half cocked on some pointless adventure involving cowboy ghouls.

I do not believe a word of what she says. So I murder her for her disbelief and blasphemous tongue. Another jump. I am now 40. The Great Dane appears to me again. He tells me the Wise Women was correct, there is a Prophet of The Dane, I am to find him and so I set off. Another jump. I'm now 55, I have search from the West to the East for the prophet. I need to head to the town of Goodsprings in order to... wait what was that? Oh its a man in a checkered suit, Benny is his name. Wait those are Great Khans. Black. I wake up with Benny and his Khans standing over me. He pulls out a gun and shoots me in the head, he has stolen a package I was asked to deliver. Wait that poker chip, Benny. That man shot and robbed a man of the Dane. I'm getting feeling back. Its rage, black rage and vengeance. I must not die. I must find Benny. I will kill him.

Somkin'

I have risen again. I shall find Benny and show him the light. I head towards the Strip. But I am unfortunately stop by five Securitons. They demand 2000 caps for entry.

Apparently you are supposed to have saved every cap to date with out buying ammo, repairs or stimpacks in anticipation for this.

He refuse to let me pass. I say two simple words. "Look Up"

This is a legitimate weapon. That I got for free.

Two Securitons are standing. I redeem them unto oblivion. I head to the Tops casino on the Strip. Once inside my weapons are removed. But a quick word to the second in command. Words to the effect of "I'm the Preacher, give me back my weapons or I'll murder you with my bare hands." He then directs me to the 13th floor. I go upstairs and stop outside Benny's door. I think of everything that has come before and everything that will be. Two seconds later I kick down the door and shout "In the name of the Dane, You Are Redeemed" right before the Holy Loin explodes.

A big bang and lots of Pretty Pretty Lights.

I take back the Platinum Chip and sit down. Not just because I am wounded, but because I need to think. What do I do know. I need to continue my quest for the Prophet. But by immolated by holy light and exploding loins takes it out of a man. I decide to take a break, a vacation. But where? I search the room for any clues and finally Benny's corpse again.

Isn't this how everyone thinks

Then the Great Dane intervenes again. I hear over the radio that their may be a ski resort to the North West. So I decide to head there. But the going is tough and painful. My left arm and leg is crippled and my chest has collapsed. I need a doctor. I see a cave where I might find shelter for the night. Upon entrance I find people. I thank the Dane, but as I approach I turns out I'm delirious with pain because the people are Lakelurks.

Its human. In sort of a alien way

I murder my way through the Lakelurk, but find no safe haven. But in my pain addled rush I find what appears to be a shock paddle attached to a glove, with the word Pushy stenciled on it. I leave the cave. I continue on the path battling the Bighorns and Mantis' along the way, until reach the top. I finally see the resort, there are even people manning the resort.

You really think its going to be that easy Sole Reader?

As I get closer I realise that the resort is populated by large people. Very large people. Very large and misshapen people. With yellow skin. In fact, it almost like they're...

Super Mutants. Great.

Next Time Ladies: Belittling the Super Mutant on the Bunny Slope.

Hand of the Dane, Part 1

2010-11-24T18:57:00.000+11:00

Dear Sole Reader, welcome once again. Today we see the first part of the Hand of the Dane, (or in other words, I'm too busy to write a full adventure today, so I'm making today's adventure a two part er) Yesterday, we saw the Preacher, Holy Badass of the Waste, murder NCR soldiers for their dog tags. In the process this murder spree he activated the Helios One super weapon. Remember this now. Today we see why toy guns are a menace, we see why the NCR should really give up, and we see yet another insight into the insanity of the Preacher. So here we go Sole Reader, time for yet more insanity and pointlessness.
I, the Holiest Preacher of the Great Dane in the Mojave Desert, have seen the Hand of the Dane in its awesome power. After a display like that one gets confused and dazed by the memory. So with no clear purpose, I wander around the desert. I decide to back to the Helios One complex, and while praying to the Dane, head north, for no real reason. I hear over the radio about a hostage situation involving the Great Khans and the heathen NCR at Boulder City, I decide to see if I can slay two birds with one axe and go there to collect more dog tags and help the Great Khans. So north I go. Before I set off I met one the the Prophets People in disguise.

Hail Caesar

He tells me that my recent services to the Legion, i.e murdering heathen soldiers, has not gone unnoticed by the Legion, he gives me the location to several drop boxes that the Legion use to store their unwanted supplies. He then tells me if the people behind me are my friends. Wait, people behind me. There's no one behind ... ah, its you.

I could do an entire series on just the amount of times I've met these guys.

Turns out there not here to kill me. They just popped into say hello, and leave. They are promptly filled with buckshot. So I continue on. After stopping in Novac for directions, supplies and a souvenir T-Rex. While passing through the town I hear talk again of a man in a checkered suit, where have I heard that before? Anyway, I continue north. Passing the odd raider here and there, I manage to get there mostly unharmed. As I arrive I meet the Commander who tells me there is a hostage situation going on. I tell him to go to the Great Bath Below and continue on to meet with the Khans. Inside the stronghold of the Khans I meet Jessup, wait there's something familiar about this guy, he also seems to be under the impression that I'm dead. After telling him that I was resurrected by the Great Dane. I try to negotiate with him.

Sadly, in the game you can't say "I was resurrected by a Great Dane"

Great Khans being what they are, he is incredibly reluctant to surrender. He is also unwilling to go toe - to - toe with the NCR. So I walk out and show the NCR soldiers how to redeem people. By filling the heritic bodies with lead. Jessup is grateful he gives me a lighter. This is confusing, but I none the less take it. I leave Boulder City after murdering the Commander and then the two hostages and head on up the the New Vegas Strip. This place is decadent and evil, so I start off by visiting the place I grew up. The Slums. It is refreshing to be back in my old stomping grounds. I see children running through the streets. I stop to talk to one.

Sadly You Can't kill children in this game

I see he has a toy gun, I offer him 1000 caps for it. He tells me to leave. This, naturally, annoys me. So I lull him to sleep and then pick his pocket. I remove the gun from his pockets, I leave the slums to make camp outside. I'm feeling to depressed with myself to sleep inside the slums.

Ah, Camping. The only place to brood

I pull out the toy gun I stole from Max. I turn it in my hand revently. It reminds me off a toy gun I had when I was a child. I pull the trigger attempting to kill the bug under my feet. Wait, whats that light.

Wait a second. We've been here before.

I've seen that light before, it looks like that light beam at Helios One right before the... Wait... Oh No.

Don't You Hate It when that Happens.

Will the Preacher Survive?, Will He Find The Prophet at all?, Will the Legion prevail against the Evil NCR?, Will anyone actully care? The answer to all these question and more you never asked, Tommorow

Axe Murderin'

2010-11-23T16:13:00.000+11:00

Hello dear Sole Reader. It's that pointless time again. The time when we follow the Preacher, Holy Man of the one true lord, Marmaduke, as he travels the lawless wasteland that is the Mojave Desert. Yesterday we saw The Preacher start his quest to collect NCR Soldier dog tags, after wiping out Camp Searchlight and the NCR checkpoint near Nelson. He was given a quest to murder the commanders of he NCR base, Camp Forlorn Hope. But if its worth doing, its worth over doing, as a certain science show tells us. So today we watch him axe murder entire bases and see proof of the Great Danes existence. We continue the adventure with the Preacher facing a minefield.

I, the Greatest Tap-Dancing Preacher of the Great Dane, am annoyed. What was to be a simple, walk in and murder everyone mission has suddenly become complicated. There is a mine field. Great. I walk hesitantly into the death field. I hear someone moaning to my left, its a heathen who was not fast enough. Excellent, he'll have dog tags on him and ... BY THE DANE! Why did he explode? Ah I see, its a trap.

There needs to be a General Akbar character in everything. Computer games, books, and movies. Just to tell the main character what everyone else has worked out 20 minutes ago. That minefields are traps

After flaying myself for taking the Dane's name in vain and then changing my robes, I loot the corpse and ignore the soldiers from now on. Although I do take pleasure in their tormented screams. I make it up the slope to the camp with out any other mishaps. I sneak up to the crows nest and place Phillip, my axe of the Great Dane, in his back and hack off his leg without the other guards knowing.

Nothing in today's post has been faked.

After looting the corpse of Dog Tags, I murder the other two guards waiting around the corner, and head into the camp. Avoiding the dogs, I decide that the best place to start would be to murder the quartermaster, in order to stop the NCR resupplying. I sneak in and position myself in order to introduce him to Phillip.

Again, not faked. The man is an idiot

I promptly cut the mans head off and then go after the chief medic, in order to stop the heathens trying to save him by sowing his head back on. After a few close calls with the guards. All of which were eager to meet Phillip. I find the medic tent. Inside is the doctor, who calls me buttercup upon entering. I introduce myself and then shove Phillip into his neck, and then just for good measure, murder all his heretical patients he was probably using for immoral experiments.

I love the A.I in this game

All that's left is the Camp Commander and the radio officer. I enter the Camp HQ tent. But there's a problem the room is full of blasphemers. I carefully position myself behind the nearest one, and when no one is looking cut his spinal cord in half. He cries out but no one hears. I move to the next insignificant heretic and cut his head off, once again, nobody hears. I move towards the radio officer while she is going on about a place called Helios One. I cut her head off mid-sentence. The commander just hums "Party In the USA" to himself. I murder him for it.

I sometimes wish I was making things like this up, but no. You can murder rooms full of people with no ill side effect as long as you sneak around and use a silent weapon, like a fire axe.

Fire Axes. What Ninjas should be using.

I head back to Nelson, after finishing off the guards and hand over the heathens commanders heads. He hands me his machete called the Liberator. In his words, its used to liberate peoples heads from their body. I count my dog tags and find out I only have 40. This is pathetic. I need another NCR Base. Wait what was that base the radio officer said. Helios. I shall find it. I head to the Nelson crows nest in search of this place, according the the officer I killed and the radio it supposed to be a large tower or some sort.

A large tower with a knob on the end. I wish I was making this up.

So I start to head over there. But first like every Legion quest so far, the traditional murdering of the random critter. Which means I have to murder...

Wow, its not Geckos for a change.

So I murder the mole rats and head towards the Helios One complex. After telling the NCR Guard out the front that I was with the NCR, I think the 40 Dog Tags I had my have swung it for me. He directs me to the back in order to help out with the power problem. Normally I would just murder everyone, but if I redirected the power to the Legion, they will be pleased with me, and hopefully they shall reward my service. I start to navigate my way through the maze of pipes and walkways, it takes me twenty minutes and several wrong turns, but I find my way to the back only to be greeted by another heritic.

He's also an idiot

After conning, I mean, convincing Fantastic to donate a few caps to the cause of the Great Dane. He then tells me that the array isn't working becaues the NCR are too cowardly to face a few defence systems and aviod a few booby traps. I tell him I'll help him, almost with a straight face. Along side Fantastic is his assistant who gives me a password and begs me not to use the superweapon inside the facility. Fine I promise I'll not use ... wait, what super weapon? It turns out that this facility houses a project called Archemedies II, a pre-war superweapon. This is perfect. I go outside, and reset the mainframe connection on the two computers there. Turns out the reason the NCR couldn't do this is that they couldn't get past their own mines and three of their own dogs. Alright then, I guess I'll go inside to start up the supe... the power. Once inside, it makes more sense why the NCR wouldn't go inside, there are three turrets and several gun-totting robots. This normally wouldn't be a problem except that Redemption doesn't seem to do much to their cold metal exterior. Nor does Phillip, I stuggle with the last one for an age, It doesn't seem to want to die. I can't think of what will put this guy down. Just before he gets into flamer range, I remember the chapel back in Searchlight. The Holy Hand Grenades, bombs that decended directly from the Great Dane's loins. I pull the pin and count to ~~five~~ three. The result of the grenade is awesome.

I knew there is a reason I picked those grenades up.

Continuing past the muderous robots, I make it to the control panal. After repairing the thing, I see several options. I can either route the power to the NCR, the Legion, the Stirp or to the Archemedies II project. This gives me a dialema, to I give the power to the Legion or do I start the super weapon. I choose the weapon. I head to the observation deck and start up the array. After a brief start up the weapon fires.

Wait for it

Oh, that was slightly less impressive than I was expecting, I mean it was little more than BY THE GREAT AND HOLY DANE!

There we go.

The power, the light, its ... its ... its awesome power. They have captured the very essence of the Great Dane and directed it. I stand very awestruck for a while untill I realise that I must leave and collect the dog tags from the heathens. With that out the way I count the tags I have, 75. This is finally a worthy tribute. So I head back to Cottenwood cove and present them to Phoneix. He is awestruck. He presents me with caps for my trouble and then goes back to ordering crucifictions. I have acheived greatness within the Prophets peoples.

All Is Good

Next Time Junior: Wait, Shouldn't I be Looking for someone?

Tag Your It

2010-11-22T14:43:00.000+11:00

Top of the morning to you Sole Reader. Time for another tale from The Preacher, The Insane Holy Wanderer of the Lord Marmaduke, as he walks across the great wasteland looking for his prophet. Yesterday he finally he met the Prophets people. Who promptly gave him a murder NCR Soldiers for their dog tags. Which we shall gladly do. Today, we murder lots of people, and geckos. Lots of Geckos.

I, The Holier than thou Preacher of Marmaduke, have been given a holy quest. Murder the NCR Heathens for their dog tags. This is a grand undertaking, an epic quest, an awesome adventure, so where in the name of all Seven St. Bernard's do I start. I try to think of a place where there is no chance of any repercussions, so no outpost, a place deserted from all civilisation where there is hopefully an easy target. Where there is at least 15 - 20 men. Where the Legion already is. Where there is already a lot of enemies, somewhere like ... like...

Knew there was a reason I left this place alive.

Yes, Camp Searchlight. The soldiers are all ready cancer ridden and probably have advanced radiation poisoning. There are eighteen of them. Easy for Redemption, even the two hitmen who show up will be ... wait two hitman. Ah yes, it seems that the blasphemers that is the NCR still are not happy with me. Not that it matters now, it just means I have more people to kill. So I open fire, these heathens fall beneath Redemption. But still, they are eighteen and I am one man, well two with the Great Dane on my side. None the less, I still take a few hits to the chest, so I duck behind one of the tents and grab some stimpacks to heal. By now the devil worshippers had realised something was wrong and were shouting for me to come out. So I did and promptly placed Phillip, the fire axe I picked up at the Raided Farmstead, between their eyes. Then promptly Redeemed the heretic to the Great Kennel in the Sky.

There we go, that looks much better

I scavenge the dog tags off the dead, and find I only have 20. This is not enough, I need more. I hear on the radio that there is a NCR camp to the East, battling the Legion. So once again I head east in order to find the Legion, I'm starting to see a pattern here. Every time I wish to find the Legion I must traverse mountains, leap across plains and fight the most unholy of beasts.

Geckos. As Always

After de-populating the entire mountain side of Geckos, and then removing the radscorpion population, and finally murdering lots more mole rats. I find a road that leads east through the mountains and meet a little checkpoint of NCR soldiers warning me that the Legion outpost was up ahead. Excellent, but first, I need more Dog Tags. So I murder the entire checkpoint. Inside one of their supply chests I find some C4 and a detonator and follow the road to the Legion Outpost called Nelson. I promptly meet a guard and tell him I'm a friend.

Once again, we see the Guards intelligence at work. Walking up to this guard and saying "I'm A Passing Trader" will make the guard take you to his commander, no questions asks.

The camp commander is called Dead Sea. He scoffs at my attempts at small talk and vows of loyalty. He then gives me a test to prove my loyalty.

Why do people have such awesome hats in this game?

He asks me to attack the NCR Camp, aptly name Forlorn Hope, by myself I tell him promptly tell my new master I will be back in a minute with six of their Commanders Heads. On the way out I borrow some shotgun ammo and head north towards the Heretics camp. However like all tasks Caesars Holy Legion seem to give me, there is another test I must over come.

Ah, A Minefield

Next Time Shorties: Dodging Mines, and more de-stabilisation of the region, and murder heathens.

A Man In Search Of A Prophet, Again

2010-11-21T15:38:00.000+11:00

Mornin', Sole Reader. Its that time again. The time where we forget all laws of sanity and travel with the Preacher. Speaker for The Great Dane Marmaduke. When we last left The Preacher he had just meet the Legion, and he has finally found the True Prophets Soldiers. For real this time, no more false prophets. Today Sole Reader, we look for the Prophet, find out what the Preacher does for kicks and we lose another dear weapon of the Preachers. So, lets descend once again, into pointlessness.

I, The Great Dane's Speaker Of True Faith, have seen the light. I have seen the true Prophets Soldiers and I now know who he is. But I must find him first. All I know is that the Legion is to the East. So that is where I go. Over Mountains, battle through scorpion nests, and across gorges. It was at the one of these mountains that I saw a burnt down farmstead. While I did not want to stop, Redemption was running low on ammo and I needed a place to sleep for the night.

You don't need to be General Akbar to see this is a trap

I start to search the ruined farmstead for ammo and such, but as I leave the farmstead I find myself surrounded by raiders. Ah, It's a Trap. Normally I would be angry, scared, or feel at least some sort of emotion. But I haven't sleep since I was shot in the head, so I feel nothing. So I decide to get this over quickly. But like I said, Redemption was running out of ammo, and after slaying 5 out of 6 raiders all my ammo is gone. I'm not too concerned I pull out Solomon, my ever trusty hatchet, and throw it at the last Raider. Solomon then proceeds to shatter on the raiders helmet. Ah. This is bad. I have no ammo, no hatchet. I have no choice but to beat him to a bloody pulp. The Great Dane favours my messy approach and soon the man is a bloody mess. I search the area around the raiders, and the Great Dane once again favours me by rewarding my vigilance with shotgun shells. As I head into the caravan for some well earned sleep, I see something in the corner. By The Dane it's.... it's.... it's wonderful.

Here's Johnny

Relax, I'm not calling the axe Johnny. That would be stupid. Phillip, on the other hand.

After a good night sleep, I continue to the east. Once again I traverse mountains, slay more scorpions and leap across gully's. Still I head east, I see some sort of settlement in the distance. Finally I'm getting somewhere. This is it, I'll finally meet the people of the Dane, the ones who will change this barbaric wasteland into a land of beauty and purity. As I come up to the crest of the hill, I start hold my breath expectantly and as I rise over the hill I finally see...

Damn. Heretics.

The NCR. Lucky my recent work has meant they're not going to insta-kill me. So I walk pass, ignoring the mans warning about some radiation bomb. Nothing will stop me from getting to Prophets people. Its turns out that I should listen to that man because the Legion has set off a radiation bomb to cover the entrance to there base. A smart idea, doesn't help me at all, but helps them, that's what matters. On my way, I see a chapel. I decide to go in a pray. It has been a while since I have properly given service. As I head into the chapel I find something really surprising.

Why is it always geckos?

Geckos have invested the Chapel say my litanies while slaying the damn things. I complete the litanies with geckos to spare, so I continue to slay them while humming "Camp Town Races." After slaying the geckos upstairs I move to the basement to find more Geckos defiling the Great Danes home. I slay them as well. Its only after I have cleared the room and had a look around to I see something that shouldn't be there. The only reason to explain it is Divine Intervention. The Great Dane smiles upon me and has rewarded me with Grenades from his own loins.

How else do you explain why there is holy hand grenades in the middle of nowhere?

Leaving the chapel, and I once again continue to head east. Getting kind of sick of not finding the Legion, but then I realise that like the Powder Gangers, this is a test. A trail of Faith. By the Dane, there is too many of these damn things. First rouge powder Gangers, then geckos, then Deathclaws, then geckos, then a quest, then Geckos. But just as I contemplate giving up, I see it. Crucifixions, dog patrols, people wearing armor that catches the breeze in a specific way. After ensuring the guard at the gate that I am indeed a friend of the Legion I was allow in.

Good thing about this game is that nearly all guards are gullible and you can either talk your way by, either normally or speech checked, bribe them, or just sneak around.

I make my way down towards the docks and see a fantastic sight. Slaves. Clearly those unworthy of the Prophets time. I suddenly get a very bad, yet hilarious feeling. I remove the key from the guards possession and open the gate. Not to free them, of course, naturally if the great Prophet deems these people to be slaves, they must be slaves. I talk to what appears to be the mother of the wretched lot...

It's okay, I'm a Preacher

And promptly blow her head off by setting off the explosive collar she is wearing. Nobody sees me doing this, what they do see is me rolling on the floor laughing. Never the less, I am here for business. I head to the top floor and meet a man called Phoenix. He is slightly annoyed at me waking him up but still gives me a mission. Collect NCR dog tags. Excellent, time to murder some heathens.

Its A Brand New Day, Time For Some Murder

Next Time Little Ones: Murdering NCR soldiers, and destabilising the region.

Trying To make Amends

2010-11-19T15:39:00.000+11:00

Good afternoon, dear Sole Reader. It is time once again to descend into madness and debauchery as well travel along side the Preacher, Holy man of the Great Dane Marmaduke. Yesterday we saw the Preacher try to make amends with the Powder Gangers after killing their founder. So he appointed one of their numbers sheriff. We last left him, standing on the roof of the Lucky Hotel wondering what to do next. Today, we finally meet the real good guys, Caesars Legion. So let's go. Oh and some bugs get stomped.

I, the Holy Warrior of Marmaduke, the Almighty Dane, have a problem. In my recent misguided attempts at finding a true Prophet of the Dane, I have annoyed the NCR into sending hitmen after me. Well hitmen is not really the right term. As so far, they have sent very angry women after me. Its getting a bit annoying. So I decide to work for them in an effort to stop them trying to kill me. So I head back to the decadent NCR outpost, after disguising myself as a NCR Ranger, naturally. Once their I ask Knight who needs odd jobs done, and he directs me to Ranger Jackson who's out the back. I search behind Knight, and can't find him. What Knight meant by out the back is actually to the left. Jackson is a thin man, wearing cowboy attire, but their is something unnerving about him. I mean, more unnerving than an NCR Ranger normally is.

I think its the 'stache

He tells me that some ants have blocked the highway down the road and he needs someone to clear it out. I happily oblige the lazy fool. So I run on down to the underpass. There just ants, however if the wasteland has taught me anything its that when a man gives you the simple mission of clearing out an area of critters, chances are those critters are going to be 12 feet tall, today proves no exception to the rule. But like my mother all ways told me "There is no problem to big to be solved with a shotgun", so I leap into the fray.

Flying Geckos, Now Flying Preachers. This is getting out of hand

The fight is boring and dull, ants having as much self preservation instinct as a drunk lemming in a blender. I promptly kill all those in the underpass. However as I reload redemption I hear a feminine cough behind me. I ignore it and continue to reload. The cough becomes louder. I continue to reload.
"Excuse me", the voice behind me says.
"One moment my dear" I reply
"I'm not your Dear and I sure as hell ain't waiting anymore" replies the voice.
I turn around and swear.

Surprise!

Its the hit women. Again. Despite killing her friend last time she seems still persistent that I should clean up my act. Which I am doing. Well I ignore her and shot her friend again. She runs off and I start to leave, except that something on her friend has caught my eye. Its his shades. They're really good. And stylish and well I take them. I know the Great Dane frowns upon grave robbing but still, I want those shades.

Come on, They're REALLY good shades.

I return to Jackson who gives me a rifle, some lunch and two weapon repair kit. Okay, after promptly dropping the rifle, for what is better than Redemption, and the lunch. I go to find the resident ghost. Or at least that's what Knight tells me to do. Shes on the roof, after making sure he is serious I slap him and head to the roof. Surprisingly there is a women called Ghost there. I wonder why they call her.... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR SKIN?

By the Dane you have really good shades

Her skin is as white as my hair. That's not normal. But still, I need to make amends with the NCR so I talk to her. She tells me to go to Nipton because they're polluting the atmosphere or something like that. I was too distracted by her skin too notice and I set off in a daze towards Nipton. And straight away run into ants and raiders. Sigh, I Redeem their souls to the Great Kennel in the Sky.

Do Ants have souls? Do I care?

I finally make it to Nipton, Its on fire and there are red flags with bulls on it. I know that symbol from somewhere. But more pressing is the issues is the crazy man shouting in front of the town about winning the lottery. Lottery = money, money = good, this man has money. So I kill him for the money, I'm a preacher, not a millionaire. Its a post humorous donation. Unfortunately, he doesn't have money on him, he does have the lottery ticket. Great. Still, could be worse. I could be crucified.

Like These Guys

Yes, apparently the entire town has been captured by Caesars Legion and then crucified. I find this punishment appealing. Its simple, clean and gives a clear message to others. Its a pure sort of punishment. As I head down what appears to be Nipton's main street and see more crucifixions and burning buildings. At the end of the town there is the main town hall. But its whats in front that concerns me, there are four men and two dogs, all in Legion gear. I'm nervous. Not because of fear, but excitement. These people are purists. Grand people. Then it hits me. The Prophet Of the Dane could be Caesar. I carefully walk up to the four, only for another to step out of the town hall.

Someone should tell him he has a fox on his head

They tell me to spread word of what has been done hear. I try to praise them, to extol their virtues. But they leave before I have a chance. The Legion. The Prophets Soldiers. I must find them. But where to I find them? Well at least I'm in good company.

Its Larry, Curly and Moe

Tomorrow Children: A man in search of a prophet